is not only powerful
but is also frustrating
painful
sacrificial
uncertain
and above all,
worthwhile

been noticing my parents’ behaviors recently,
they are so made for each other
*roles eyes*
although one speaks english, the other mandarin, they converse in cantonese.
their silly banter is annoyingly hilarious.
also, with my mom’s occational perv-ed humour, it still makes my dad laugh.
his old habits and silliness not only frustrates my mom but still makes her laugh.
i really wonder what it takes to achieve that in this modern world.

sadly, friendships, relationships and marriages rarely lasts in this day and time
people constantly hustle for bigger and better things (no i dont mean boobs and macs)
rarely do people treasure the simple things that makes all the difference

honestly, i do not think that it takes much to maintain a relationship (regardless of whether its platonic or romantic)
sometimes a simple ‘hello’ or a text saying ‘i love you’ makes the relationship.
of course i’m guilty of always forgetting.
i always forget.
but i guess at the end of the day, when push comes to shove, its the little things that a person does that makes it all worth while.

every year when december rolls around, i get all mushy and sentimental.
this is the peak of the mushimental state, i’ll admit.
its when i start thinking of what i’ve done to make my relationships matter and what my friends have done that made me feel loved.

i’ve been pretty cold with that harden heart of mine and things need to change.
i’m sorry if i’ve not made you feel loved.
i promise i will change.

so on the eve of the pure and unconditional love day,
i love you.
you’ve not only made an impact in my life, you’ve made me want to change for the better and live for tomorrow.
thank you for being my friend regardless of my insecurities and silliness.

have a loving christmas.

This post is dedicated to:
alex martin, claudia sibert, patricia tan, choy wan, may wan, jiunn lee, faiz sakri, dawn ling, ping may, lalitha, linda andago, pamela vanetha, jolene chin, pietro felix, angie ng, ann jee, pek ann, dr. lim, bhavesh kumar, eddy lim, felicia stanislaus, jocelyn tan, karl ng, will chua, ravinderjit singh, satwindar gill, nisha devina, reza salleh, teng leang, usamah, vivienne lee, wai yee, andy kho, mr. lee yh and my family.

i just got back from a little town called Beruas.
it is situated in between Sitiawan (my hometown) and Ipoh.
technically it is right smack in the middle because of the travalling time,
45 mins to Beruas, 45 mins to Ipoh from there.

anyways,
i’ve been going back to Beruas ever since i can remember.
everything seemed super far way back when and things seemed larger than life.
however, today, Beruas suddenly seemed so much nearer than i last thought it was.
the old malay wooden house on stilts suddenly seemed so tiny!
when i walk through the open air lower ground, the ceiling (upper floor’s floor) is practically touching the top of my head..
so its either i suddenly became a giant, or the house shrank… hahaha

upon entering the house, you’ll find yourself in the wet kitchen and dining area with a stairs leading up to the rooms and the main living room area.
since it was quiet, i ventured upstairs to re-live the memories of yesteryears when i use to terrorize the place, my cousins, and the occational squirrels that comes into the house to play.

as i walked from room to room, a smile crawled across my face
how could i ever have thought that the rooms were huge and long really beats me hahaha
the rooms now held different things, but the soul of the rooms still lingered
they are still liveable and can still hold up to 5 different families all at one go (chinese new year reunion)!
thou the floors are creeky and old, those wooden floors were built to last man!
moving on into the hall, i decided to make a detour to a section of my grandma’s room.
they sectioned it off with cupboards a long time ago as a smaller room either for clothes or to hold another family
but from the corner of the cupboards i could see my grandma’s bed.
it looked exactly the same as how it did all those years ago.
it was as if my grandpa was still alive and living there.
remnants of my grandpa was still all over the room.
i could still feel the love they once had all over the room even though there were barely any of his things left.
as i exited the room into the hall, i saw a few changes.
the hall had some modern additions like a 32 inch LCD Sony TV,
but it was the pictures hanging all over the walls and adorning the shelfs that got me.
on the shelfs, there were pictures of my grandma and grandpa together in that house with my cousins when they were young, there were pictures of my cousins on holiday somewhere,
and then there were pictures of just the two of them in black and white printed on the once popular porcelein plates when they were on tour to Taiwan, Hong Kong and China.
they looked so serious, barely smiling in most of the pictures, they were even dressed up in traditional chinese outfits in one and smartly suited in the others!
still, i could feel the love exude through the pictures.
on the walls, there were pictures of all the kids, all 5 of them when they were babies, and when they graduated from university and then when they got married, and even group pictures of the whole family, including myself (i looked like some horrid little dark boy in a skirt in one.. ish)
further to the end of the hall, there’s a little concaved area where my grandpa’s work table and chair still exists
some of his old books and documents still sit at the corner of the table
even his bookcase is still there with all his books and trophies from i dont know where
now, thou, behind where his chair is, is a picture of him.
sort of like he’s still around, sitting at the table, watching over everyone

back downstairs, grandma was being popular
she had a friend visit her and they were both sitting outside watching tv and chatting away (the tv is left out in the open and no one steals it only cos they all respect her in that little town! in kl, put one spoilt one outside and its gone in 5 seconds.. thats how different the city and tiny towns are)
after a while they decided to come inside to the kitchen when her friend thought to make some herbal jelly for my grandma only cos she’s been sick the past few days.
in between stirring and teaching my mom how to cook it, she sits beside my grandma and chat to her in quiet tones about her kids and all that
not fifteen minutes after that, another guy comes to visit my grandma.
turns out he’s an ex student of hers when she was teaching in the highschool in Beruas.
he came to chat with her, see how she was doing, update her with some stories and even consulted her on some matters..
what a life, right!

although i was only there for a couple of hours, it occured to me that such is the life that i want when i’m touching 90 (if i even live that long)
simple, respected, and most importantly, loved.

how simply beautiful and quaint is that?!

should have taken pictures of the house to illustrate what i see.
oh well, next time.

met a guy recently and boy is he incompetent!
either that or he is cunning.
i get that people like to sup. work to people from companies they are close to.
but being outwardly bias, clearly incompetent and lacking integrity is not acceptable!

its one thing if you are incompetent, i get it.
some people are just born that way.
but if you have no integrity, maybe its high time you should get some!

at the end of the day, we are all humans and i understand and accept that we all have been or will be incompetent at certain things that we do.
but what about integrity?

again the question arrises.
should you compromise your integrity in the quest for something?
it does not matter whether your quest is to hide the fact that you are incompetent or insecure or greedy, it is unacceptable.

of course i am not deluded from the fact that we live in a world that has began to view integrity as something ppl can live without.
i do know and have come across countless of people who have compromised their integrity in persuit for ‘greatness’.

but at the end of the day, what do you get out of it?
do you feel more fulfilled or secure knowing that you’ve just slept your way to the top?
do you feel more peaceful lying in bed knowing that you’ve just robbed another person’s rice bowl?
does it make you feel more empowered knowing that you’ve just lied your way to the top when in actuality, you’re just nothing but an empty shell.

integrity is everything.
integrity is eternal.

if you’ve used your beauty as a compromise to your integrity, have you ever wondered how life would be like when your breasts start to sag? or when another new hot girl in town takes your limelight away? or when another young and well connected  guy takes your spot just because his dad is somebody in the country? 

if you’ve just stollen another person’s reputation just to get the coveted job/position, does that mean that the same thing will not happen to you?
because if you can so easily do that, so can someone else!

the path we take, with integrity, is a long one.
i agree that people who choose integrity will find that the road to success is narrower and longer.
but at least you get to keep your success at the end of the day.
lets face it, karma’s a bitch.
the world is very small.
people will find out who and what you are.
everyone leaves a trail of bread crumbs behind them.
sooner or later, your deeds, good or bad will be exposed.
so why resort to the bad when good lasts you a lifetime?

ya ya, its easier to do everything else but whats right/good.
its ALWAYS easier to do whats wrong and bad and evil and mean.

but to exercise NOT to do it is what builds character.
so isnt it a good bargain to do whats right?

think about it.

i’ve got so many things running thru my head right now

1) shit! i’ve been eating so damn much i’m putting on weight and getting an even rounder face so sooner or later my face will look more like mars than the moon!!

2) omg~ how can some full grown male adults act like a 2 year old girl when faced with a competitor?! trying to be a male version of a bitch issit?! grow up and get a life la!

3) its freakin’ 12:30am and i’m still stuck in the office.. i’m seriously underpaid and underslept… sigh~
too bad it aint underfed too..
-.-”

4) i want to write so badly but words aint coming to me.. so many things so many things….. words! come back!

5) oh shit just remembered, have to move office, AGAIN!
*grumble* *grumble*
by tomorrow too!
*grumble* *grumble*

6) i feel a little left out.. oh well

7) aiyo i’m so negative these days laaa…. not good… how can?!
work’s getting to me.. to me… to meee…….!

oh africa~ my dear africa…. when shall i be able to set foot on thy precious soil??
*dramanya~*

9) i’m SO in love with Herve Leger, Bottega Veneta and Elie Saab…….
their dresses are so swoon worthy………………

10) hmmm maybe i should get more skinny jeans… i’m in love! hahahahaha

11) i want perfumes….. more perfumessssss

ok the end.

as some of you may know, my car’s head gasket blew..
and that was when i realised, we are so dependent on ‘technology’ these days.
if a person’s mobile gets stolen, goes missing or spoils, they go cuckoo because a cellphone is the connection to our ‘life’.
if a computer/laptop crashes, a lot of important information goes missing in a blink of an eye and to retrieve the information, well, you understand~
so when my car went kaput, life had it that those few days were filled with travelling, be it for work or for MWM.
and as how every other human being would, i complained.

last week i attended Tasputra Perkim’s Buka Puasa night out at Lecka Lecka Bukit Bintang.
i had to share a cab there during rush hour and was starting to get cranky thinking about the rest of the week and how i was going to get around with everything lined up.
when i got there, i admit i was still a little bothered and pre-occupied.
now when i think back on that moment, i feel terribly ashamed!
but after fifteen minutes of being there and settling down, i started going around to say ‘hi’ to the kids, stopping to talk to some and to give them a hug or two.
i stopped to play with little Hafiz.
and i looked around me for a minute, and realised that nearly every child/teen was in a prem or wheelchair.
at that moment, it was like a cloud cleared before my eyes and i started to feel guilty.
i have forgotten, momentarily, that being car-less was not the end of the world.
there were other forms of immobility that were far worse than mine.
that really gave me a wake up call that i desperately needed.

see, the children and teens who attend Tasputra are those whom were born with severe mental handicap.
their limbs were either bent out of shape, or their head were of a disproportionate size, or they could not speak or show any form of emotion/understanding.
most of them have to move around daily in a prem or wheelchair.

Tasputra is like a day care cum training centre.
they have professionally trained and qualified nurses to help with these children’s physical and mental growth.
they also sponsor wheelchairs to any child who needs one
and they never expect anything in return.
no fees, no charges.

a lot of parents, upon realization of their child’s condition, do not know what to do.
so some lock their child up at home,
give them away,
throw them somewhere,
or dump them at any day care centre which result to their child being mistreated, for example, being tied to a chair or pillar just because they cannot sit straight or vocalize what they are feeling or need.
it is very sad that a lot of people are not educated in this matter.
but then again, who is ever ready to face such things.
so Tasputra locates these children and bring them in for daily training and exercises to strengthen and straighten their bones with proper techniques and teach these kids how to speak or understand the things around them.

okay back to the Buka Puasa outing.

i realised how difficult it was for ONE child to move about.
and there were 30 odd of them there that day.
i had a new found respect for the ladies who run the home as well as the parents of these children whom are getting educated by the day.
these children hardly get to go out.
they hardly get to see the world outside simply because it takes a lot just to bring them out.
and to be able to be there to share their joy and excitement from the simplest of things, it really put things into perspective.

have you ever witness a deprived child’s face light up when they see the abundance of lights at Bukit Bintang?
have you ever felt the joy emitting from a child, whom cannot speak, when he/she receives a cup of ice cream?
have you ever been touched by the simplicity of a child’s love as he shares it with the world by smiling and hugging you?

the experience of love was boundless.
pure.
beautiful.

there was a child called Kunglo.
he was born with down-syndrom.
yet he was a cheerful and joyous child.
at the end of the night, while i was crouching by Maya’s prem playing with her,
i was suddenly knocked over by a force!
then i realised it was Kunglo.
he ran over to hug me (knocking me to the ground) with a huge contented smile on his face,
and then ever so lightly, he gave me a kiss on my cheek.
that was all it took to wash all my worries away.
sitting there on the floor outside Starhill, i was nearly moved to tears.
a simple form of gratitude from a simple loving mind.
how wonderful is that?

makes us wonder what ever happened to ‘pure love’ in the fast moving world that we live in.

here are some of the pictures from that night:

it usually takes an adult to a child

lecka lecka stuff helping the kids and giving them the attention they need

showing me that he ’sayangs’ me by pressing his forehead to my cheek

facinated by the lights

i’ve realised recently that i sort of became the person i most dislike and have lost focus on what i wanted to achieve out of life.
but luckily i’ve gotten all that back again.
and since then, being positively happy have been nothing but good.
it could even be the best feeling in the world!
the feeling is like when a person smiles at you, its always so irresistable to just smile back and it instantly makes your day seem brighter.
to be able to feel again is really something..

i guess when they say, “you’ll never truly  know who you are until you’ve taken a fall or two”,
that line could not be more true.
it is when you’ve tripped and hurt your knee or bumped your head that you honestly understand who you are and what you want out of life.
the choices you make contributes largely to the ‘picking-yourself-up’.
actually, the choices you make IS how you pick yourself up.

looking back, i have a lot to be grateful for.
especially when i constantly remind myself that there are a million other people who’s got ‘life’ worse than mine.

growing up, my childhood wasnt the most comfortable or the smoothest, but i cant say i dislike/regret it because all that happened made me who i am today!
if it werent for the people who hurt me or made fun of me or even put me down, i wouldnt be as strong as i am today (not that i’m all that strong haha)
if it werent for some of the stupid mistakes and choices i made, i wouldnt be as level headed (so i like to think) as i am now.
if it werent for the people whom i’ve met and lost along the way, i wouldnt learn to appreciate things as how i do now.

life really is a bundle of unexpected colourful yarn..
the more we tug at it, the more different colours reveal itself to surprise you at how beautiful life can actually be.

right now, i’m grateful for being comfortable in my own skin and knowing what i want to do and where i want to be.

its like when you’re flushed of energy and strength after a long day, the long warm bath that you take and then being able to crawl under a comfortable duvet whilst snuggling up to a loved one…
ahhhhhhh……..
bliss~
pure unadulterated bliss

the song Comfortable by John Mayer should be playing in the background or something hahahaha

about a week from now, 8th August, i’m suppose to be on a flight to the great and beautiful Maldives.
but due to life’s surprises and twists,
i have to give up on my 4 year plan with may, lallu and zul.

i dont know whether to hope for a miracle (which seems bleak right now),
or tell myself that this is an expensive lesson to learn from.

but right now, i just feel depressed.
and i feel like i’ve disappointed my friends.
i dont know which is worse,
disappointing my friends or missing out on maldives.
i think disappointing my friends.

i bloody hell want to go~
but its gonna cost me my one month’s wages!

Maldives-4-year-plan-no-money-no leave.

sigh~
*wiping away tears*

lets face facts.
i dream every single night when i close my eyes and lay my head on the pillow.
i’ve got no choice.
same goes to almost every other living being on earth.
regardless of whether the dreams are pleasant or unpleasant, you are automatically in another realm of which is not reality.

to some, this may be a form of escape from the harshness of life.
for some, dreams may alter your mood for the day.
for some, they get the most brilliant ideas from their dreams.
(which is why its a good idea to have a notebook and pen beside you when you sleep)

for me, the best and the worst times are when the alarm goes off.
its when you’re jerked out of your limbo and am apparated (like the recent harry potter movie; squeezed, dragged, expanded, squashed and popping) back into reality.
and then you realise, your world aint all that great or neutral anymore.
but then, with the ingeniousness of the snooze button (i love this invention SO MUCH), you get to attempt to push your way back into your altered reality even if its just for a mere 9 minutes.
now this is the time, that i steal, to dream.
at times, if i’m lucky, i get to continue my dream (i swear my dreams are like tv series.. it continues!)
if that does not happen, and my brains are running 500 mph already, then i dream of whatever i choose.
the worst is when the alarm rings and the minute your brain ‘hears’ the alarm, your whole world, reality, comes crashing down like a tidal wave and there is nothing you can do to hush it and sleeping is just not an option anymore.

but like i said, regardless of the circumstances, those few precious minutes are one of the most private and soothing times a person can get in a day.
its like strolling through the park, during autumn, on a softly narrow road lined with trees whilst orange and red leaves gently glide through the air landing ever so lightly before you on the pathway……
and then when you reach the end, youfallintoasewerwithfecesuptothebottomofyournostrilswithrosepetalssprinkledscarcelyontopofitalllikecherriesonabirthdaycake. (yuck!)

snoozing aint a crime,
although sometimes it makes you late,
but i guess we all just need a little more time to dream.
the world could do with more dreams.

Dear Baby Stinkys,

Happy 1st Anniversary! I bet you never thought we would get this far right?! Well here we are. One year. We’ve been through massive fights, super manjafied moments, lame jokes and close friendship bonds. Not too bad, i’d say.

You know how people always think that we’ve been together for years? I like that feeling. Its a feeling of comfort like never before. Do you feel that way too?

I know i can be the most irritating person ever, also the most ignorant at the best of times, and no matter how much you’d ignore me, i know that you love me.

This birthday, i know you did a lot for me. But the one thing that trumps everything is not in the gifts or cakes, it was in the moment that you let me sleep in like a pig on my birthday. Normally you’d force me out of bed to either eat or do something or go somewhere to get your work materials, but my heart swelled when you came into the room after you were ready, climb onto the bed, hugged and kissed me and said, “Happy Birthday honey, I love you heaps heaps”. Its so simple i know! But somehow that touched me the most.

Baby baby, do you know when i feel most loved? Its when i’m super manjafied and you put up with it, or when i’m being a major pain-in-the-ass drama queen and yet you giggle or laugh, or times when i’m acting like a little girl in a carefree world and yet you smile. You let me be me (with some scolding of course). I know our fights are long drawn and very pussy like, but everything goes out the window the minute you come looking for me like the time when i was hiding under our make-shift-closet of clothes and you came looking for me and when you found me you extended your hand to pull me up and then hugged me tightly. Its nice. Also, you know when you’re trying to sleep yet i’m talking nonstop like a possessed woman yet you’d laugh at the silly things i say especially at that hour? hehe i love you.

You always say i dont care about you or dont notice things that you do for me. I do. I notice them but sometimes, or most the times i just dont say anything.
I know you love me when you’ll call me just for nothing even though we’re in the same office.
I know you love me when you come looking for me when i dont answer my phone.
I know you love me no matter what nonsense you may say when you’re pissed off.
I know you love me even though you’re frustrated with me and my ignorance.
I know you love me when you smack me when i dont eat.
I know you love me especially when you try to hide the fact that you love me.
i know you love me.

As unpredictable as life always is, I hope this one is predictable.
I love you baby stinkys.
Thank you for loving me.