i had a moment of desperation
i do not need to eleborate on my parent’s income and finance problems but, when di told me that he has just met a new friend and that they are starting to get new jobs and all, i couldnt help but feel as though all the shit in the world is gonna start happening again..
cos so far nothing has last…
and i was so afraid for him that this would not be permanant again..
and for that one moment, after i picked my heart off the floor, i actually, for the first time in ages, cried out to God in desperation..
cried out to Him to ask him to make everything OK this time round
but wait, i never got to finish it cos i had practice and i put it on hold
and i shall continue in a bit..

but after that, the cops incident…
the cops not saying anything bout my expired roadtax..
not summoning me for speaking on the phone..
and for them to let me off without saying anything more than, “girl, its for your own safety u know.. next time, just pull over and talk ok?”
it got me

 ”God, u know that i am still struggling with certain ’demons’ in my life. and that most of the time i doubt u and neglect u.
but really, this time, i’m going to drop all that, and honestly humbly ask u to set things right.
and to make this job last and not for it to be like all the other jobs that failed in the past.
it is not only going to be too much for me to take, but it is also going to be hard for ma… and above all, tough for di for he might not be able to take it well. and for all that they have been thru, with me not being how they want me to be, they’ve already got to deal with a lot of heartache and disappointment and i honestly, honestly ask that u’ll grant this one request of mine. could u please, please let this work? u know i do not cry easily, or rather that i do not let myself cry, but now i’m reduced to tears while having to try to pick my heart up off the floor.
were the cops a sign? was it a sign telling me that thing will be OK? was it a sign to let me know that u’ll always be there for me even though i’ve been away from u? will things be better?
even though i do not like admitting it, but u are the only person who knows me best. know me even without me saying anything.
please make things better”

crap… even reading it thru makes me tear up again..
i’m so weak~