Category: thoughts


dont give up just yet

Disclaimer: just a short taken out of Malcolm Gladwell’s What the Dog Saw under the article Late Bloomers

  Ben Fountain did not make the decision to quit the law and become a writer all by himself. He is married and has a family. He met his wife, Sharon, when they were both in law school at Duke. When he was doing real-estate work at Akin, Gump, she was on the partner track in the tax practice at Thompson & Knight. The two actually worked in the same building in downtown Dallas. They got married in 1985, and had a son in April of 1987. Sharie, as Fountain calls her, took four months of maternity leave before returning to work. She made partner by the end of that year.

“we had our son in a day care downtown,” she recalls. “We would drive in together, one of us would take him to day care, the other one would go to work. One of us would pick him up, and then, somewhere around eight o’clock at night, we would have him bathed, in bed and then we hadn’t even eaten yet, and we’d be looking at each other, going, ‘This is just the beginning.’ ” She made a face. “That went on for maybe a month or two, and Ben’s like, ‘I don’t know how people do this.’ We both agreed that continuing at that pace was probably going to make us all miserable. Ben said to me, ‘Do you want to stay home?’ Well, I was pretty happy in my job, and he wasn’t, so as far as I was concerned it didn’t make any sense for me to stay home. And I didn’t have anything besides practicing law that I really wanted to do, and he did. So I said, ‘Look, can we do this in a way that we can still have some day care and so you can write?’ And so we did that.”

Ben could start writing at seven-thirty in the morning because Sharie took their son to day care. He stopped working in the afternoon because that was when he had to pick him up, and then he did the shopping and the household chores. In 1989, they had a second child, a daughter. Fountain was a full-fledged North Dallas stay-at-home dad.

“When Ben first did this, we talked about the fact that it might not work, and we talked about, generally, ‘When will we know that it really isn’t working?’ and I’d say, ‘Well, give it ten years,’ ” Sharie recalled. To her, ten years didn’t seem unreasonable. ”It takes a while to decide whether you like something or not,” she says. And when ten years became twelve and then fourteen and then sixteen, and the kids were off in high school, she stood by him, because, even during that long stretch when Ben had nothing published at all, she was confident that he was getting better. She was fine with the trips to Haiti, too. “I can’t imagine writing a novel about a place you haven’t at least tried to visit,” she says. She even went with him once, and on the way into town from the airport there were people burning tires in the middle of the road.

“I was making pretty decent money, and we didn’t need two incomes,” Sharie went on. She has a calm, unflappable quality about her. “I mean, it would have been nice, but we could live on one.”

Sharie was Ben’s wife. But she was also – to borrow a term from long ago – his patron. That word has a condescending edge to it today, because we think it far more appropriate for artists (and everyone else for that matter) to be supported by the marketplace. But the marketplace works ony for people like Jonathan Safran Foer, whose art emerges, fully realized, at the beginning of their career, or Picasso, whose talent was so blindingly obvious that an art dealer offered him a hundred-and-fifty-franc-a-month stipend the minute he got to Paris, at age twenty. If you are the type of creative mind that starts without a plan, and has to experiment and learn by doing, you need someone to see you through the long and difficult time it takes for your art to reach its true level.

This is what is so instructive about any biography of Cezanne. Accounts of his life start out being about Cezanne, and then quickly turn into the story of Cezanne’s circle. First and foremost is always his best friend from childhood, the writer Emile Zola, who convinces the awkward misfit from the provinces to come to Paris, and who serves as his guardian and protector and coach through the long, lean years.

Camille Pissarro was the next critical figure in Cezanne’s first one-man show, at the age of fifty-six. At the urging of Pissarro, Renoir, Degas, and Monet, Vollard hunted down Cezanne in Aix. He spotted a still-life in a tree, where it had been flung by Cezanne in disgust. He poked around the town, putting the word out that he was in the market for Cezanne’s canvases.

All this came before Vollard agreed to sit 150 times, from eight in the morning to eleven-thirty, without a break, for a picture that Cezanne disgustedly abandoned. Once, Vollard recounted in his memoir, he fell asleep, and toppled off the makeshift platform. Cezanne berated him, incensed: “Does an apple move?” This is called friendship.

Finally, there was Cezanne’s father, the banker Louis-Auguste. From the time Cezanne first left Aix, at the age of twenty-two, Louis-Auguste paid his bills, even when Cezanne gave every indication of being nothing more than a failed dilettante. But for Zola, Cezanne would have remained an unhappy banker’s son in Provence; but for Pissarro, he would never have learned how to paint; but for Vollard (at the urging of Pissarro, Renoir, Degas, and Monet), his canvases would have rotted away in some attic; and, but for his father, Cezanne’s long apprenticeship would have been a financial impossibility. That is an extraordinary list of patrons. The first three – Zola, Pissarro, and Vollard – would have been famous even if Cezanne never existed, and the fourth was an unusually gifted entrepreneur who left Cezanne four hundred thousand francs when he died. Cezanne didn’t just have help. He had a dream team in his corner.

This is the final lesson of the late bloomer: his or her success is highly contingent on the efforts of others. In biographies of Cezanne, Louis-Auguste invariably comes across as a kind of grumpy philistine, who didn’t appreciate his son’s genius. But Louis-Auguste didn’t have to support Cezanne all those years. He would have been within his rights to make his son get a real job, just as Sharie might well have said no to her husband’s repeated trips to the chaos of Haiti. She could have argued that she had some right to the lifestyle of her profession and status – that she deserved to drive a BMW, which is what power couples in North Dallas drive, instead of a Honda Accord, which is what she settled for.

But she believed in her husband’s art, or perhaps, more simply, she believed in her husband, the same way Zola and Pissarro and Vollard and – in his own querulous way – Louis-Auguste must have believed in Cezanne. Late bloomers’ stories are invariably love stories, and this may be why we have such difficulty with them. We’d like to think that mundane matters like loyalty, steadfastness, and the willingness to keep writing checks to support what looks like failure have nothing to do with something as rarefied as genius. But sometimes genius is anything but rarefied; sometimes it’s just the thing that emerges after twenty years of working at your kitchen table.

“Sharie never once brought up money, not once – never,” Fountain said. She was sitting next to him, and he looked at her in a way that made it plain that he understood how much of the credit for Brief Encounters belonged to his wife. His eyes welled up with tears. “I never felt any pressure from her,” he said. “Not even covert, not even implied.”

October 20, 2008

So you see, all it takes is for one person to believe in you and that it does indeed takes time to finally get to where you want to be albeit through a lot of doubt, moments of giving up, hardwork and love.
If you already have your support team, be grateful. They are hard to come by these days.

No one gets to where they are alone.

So, don’t give up just yet.

Malaysian first

often in my travels when i meet people, they’d ask me where i’m from
i’d say Malaysia.
I am Malaysian.

some will look at me oddly and say, “.. but you look chinese!”.
i’d then patiently explain that there are a few different cultures and ethnicity residing in Malaysia and have been for years, and yes, even though our forefathers were from China or India or of the Malay Archipelago, we’re all regarded as ‘Malaysian’.
granted not many people can grasp that concept but hey, thats why we’re unique!

so anyways, it actually just occurred to me that i’ve never told people “I’m chinese” anywhere else except in Malaysia!
it seems like somehow my country men are obsessed with what i am just because i look like i can be Malay, Thai, Indon, Cambodian, Lao.. you get the drift..

so this begs the question, why are Malaysians so obsessed with their race?
do they really feel a need to validate their existence through the acknowledgement of their race?
first of all, our leaders can’t even answer the question “Are you first Malaysian? or first Malay.”
some even said the latter first.
its quite embarrassing when they’re trying to preach 1Malaysia when they are not even living it.
that and the need to include ‘race’ and ‘religion’ in our identification card and in forms.

i suppose it stems from insecurities.

if there really is interest in creating a truly unified and harmonious nation, eliminate all need to categorize your citizens into pigeon holes.
the fault of unity failing at every level comes from our leaders.
if they can’t even be brave enough to eliminate the importance of racial categorizing, what more their people.
traits like these seep down through the cracks and into all crevices whether you dare and/or choose to acknowledge it or not

so ask yourself, are you Malaysian? or a race?

i’ve been thinking…

… and thinking… and thinking… and thinking…. and thinking……..

ok ok,
for those of u who knows me well, u’re probably already snickering and itching to ask “since when do u not think so much?!”

but any how,
i’ve been thinking about my future.
and what i want to achieve and what my goals are for the next couple of years spanning till i’m at least 35.
and the thing about determining your future, or what u really want out of life, is to come to terms with yourself.
u’ve got to look inside u to see ahead of u, if this makes any sense at all.
but what i mean is that, u’ll have to start from scratch.
digging deep to find out what u can do and what u cannot do.
(pinjam rosli’s questions)
what u like to do and what u dont like to do.
what u want to do and what u dont want to do.

u may think that these questions are just simple questions.
and u’re right.
these are very simple questions.
but how easy can you answer these questions?
not very easily.

well, to some, these questions are very easy.
they can answer them any time any where.
and yes, these questions can be answered at any given time.
but when it comes down to true honesty in the answers, it takes some time.
to dig deep into your heart and mind and to come up with 100% honest answers is a pretty darn hard thing to do!
this would mean hours of sitting there, being true to yourself and to your conscience.
this would mean facing your fears and your flaws.
and not only are u forced to face your fears and your flaws, u are to come to terms with them and to accept that u just cannot do and be everything.
this may disappoint u for a while but hey, we’re all humans, we cannot be superman.
thou i sometimes wish i could be. sigh~

and honestly, even thou i’ve been thinking quite a fair bit, i still havent been able to sort myself out.
and its getting to my nerves.
cos i like things to have quick results.
yes yes i know i’m impatient.
and stubborn.
and i’ve got to change certain parts of it.
but oh well, i still need to sort myself out.
and its taking a bit too long for my liking but i doubt i can really rush it.
i dont want to end up doing something that i’ll end up regretting for life.
i’ve had enough regrets so far and i’m not even half way into my young adult life yet.
but i guess these things shaped me.

so now, future future.
think think think.

honestly, i’ve heard that line in so many different versions that it is starting to ANNOY me big time royal ass!

now let me get this straight ONCE AND FOR ALL!

a person who does not go to church, be it regularly or at all, isnt a bad person!
neither has he turned evil, or has backslided, or have gone over to the dark side (insert whatever terms u want here)

seriously, a church is just a building.
its a BUILDING for goodness sake!
and going to church does NOT make u any more holy-er than the ones that dont!
i’m not pointing fingers, but go ask yourselves, are u really so much more holy-er than the ones that dont go?
honestly?!

i believe that, at the end of the day, it all comes down to YOU and GOD.
NOT anyone else.
not your parents, not your bf, not your gf, not your grandma, not your whoever..
it aint a triangled relationship.
it ONLY involves TWO parties.
and all the busybodies are NOT INVITED!

and didnt the bible say to NOT judge? (yes i do tend to fall into judgement sometimes but i’m MAKING a conscious effort not to)
so why are U judging me and calling me bad when all i did not do is go to church?

there are a lot of different kinds of believers.
and the ones i cannot tahan the most would be the ones that are very narrow minded.
they follow follow follow and follow!
everything that is written,they follow.
but have u ever stopped to think?
have u ever thought that all these things were written EONS ago?
and that times have changed?

see, ppl back then do not wear boxers or triangled shaped sexy cut underwear or thongs or decent bras.
ppl back then do not have cars
ppl back then do not have computers or tv
no cds, ipods, phones
ppl back then do not have tampons or decent pads! (ok i’m getting overboard hehe)

dont u SEE the difference?
we aint no longer in the past!
we’re constantly moving forwards and things change.
times have changed.
so the way u deal with people and problems have changed.
u cannot say that something that aint in the book, is bad.
heck! they probably drank more than we do!
so much of wine going around
and we all know that wine contains higher levels of alcohol! (not that i drink)

whatever it may be, the bottom line is that by not going to church does not make u unholy..
and for the fact that ppl deem others with tattoos and piercings as evil is plain NONSENSE
ok maybe not evil la…
but bad or of bad influence..
tattoos and piercings have NOTHING to do with how u are as a person.
u can be clean as hell physically but that doesnt mean that your soul is.
so please bare in mind that these people are doing these things for the love of art.
tatts and piercings are art
it is the same as music.
it is just another form of interpretation and display

and let me repeat it ONCE more.

NOT going to church or temple or whatever place of worship of your choice does NOT make one a bad person!

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