is it really a quarter?

25

thats the age women dread because they are told that everything starts to go downhill and unsightly orange peals render us to hide away our shorts to be replaced by longer pants and skirts
some girls resort to buying younger looking clothes and accessories just to look and hopefully feel younger
personally, i’m wondering whether my style’s appropriate for my age because i dont want to start looking like i’m trying to dress like i’m holding on to my teens

whats more important though, is how we feel inside, right?
well, when i’m reminded that i’m turning 25, i cringe with shock as the idea that i’m entering the late twenties is so foreign it feels like songkran in Thailand where they throw ice filled water on you on a hot hot day
yet on the other hand, i’ve always felt like an old old soul.. jaded is an understatement
most of the time i feel like i’m 35 going on 40
its so contradictory i know
i suppose its because i’ve always been the youngest wherever i go

the sudden realization that i’m 25 also somehow brings reality rushing forward to hit me in the face like its spring has just been let go after being over-stretched

all of a sudden i’m wondering what i’ve achieved so far
i’ve lived 25 years of my life and i still feel like a failure for not achieving more
and what if i live another 25 years and not do enough to make a difference in this world?

should i continue being a wallpaper? or should i try to step out into the rushing traffic?

when i was 15-24, adulthood seem so impossibly far away as though it wasnt achievable to live to feel the rush of adulthood and the rest of my life
and now all of a sudden i’m here, i’m at the start of the rest of my life, i’m at the doorway and whether i like it or not i’ll have to turn the door knob and take that first step through
it is as though my legs are moving on a treadmill with a mind of its own

life? really?

i’ve lost a lot of friends along the way, gained some, missed some
i’ve been stabbed in the back, loved as a whole
lost in time and space, at exactly where i was suppose to be

there have been experiences which, at the time made me wish they had never happened to me
yet i’m grateful they did after a few dusty roads ahead
and when i stop to look back, the journey didnt seem as tough as i first thought it was, i’d even smile, tip my hat and walk on all the time feeling as though the angels were smiling back at me as i take the next step into the unknown
sometimes things visualize in front of me as my foot touches the ground, yet other times all i see is the bleak darkness of uncertainty

honestly i cant say i’ve made a lot of right decisions this past year
hell, i’ve made some terrible decisions this past year
i’ve got to admit though, that i’m still working at getting past forgiving myself

so this coming year will be a year of observation

with almost everyone i know settling down, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, losing people they love,
it stops my heart
all of a sudden, i realize that there is so much more to life
there are so many things that i’ve not done
so much that i can do
with so little time

for the first time in my life, i truly understand what it feels like to want to be free
thoughts about getting married makes my heart trip, stumble and roll down a hill
all my life i’ve wanted to get married, have kids, have a nice family living a simple life somewhere
but in the past 2 years leading up to this day, the clarity of a world of experience and possibilities shines brighter from the tireless wipes to clear the dust in my soul’s eyes
it isnt that i dont want to get married
but i realized, i’m just not ready for that at this stage of my life
and as much as i love kids and wish i have kids, this is not the time

sometimes i wish i was more normal
you know, regular
so at least i’d feel like i fit in more
but then, why should i fit in, right?

screw the norm, i should be unprecedented

that sounded so much easier said in my head than done

this coming year, i’ve got goals which i will not mention
i also have goals i’ve yet to realize

last year i wished to travel more..
this year i’ll be more specific
i want to travel to more countries
photograph more causes
champion my own cause

i would also like to thank my loved ones, my true friends
without you guys, my life will not be
you’ve given me so much, yet all i’ve done is hide for the best part of the year
please forgive me, and give me some time
i’ll try to get back on my feet even though i’m still being dragged on my behind

that said,
happy birthday Mr Nelson Mandela
i hope to be more like you
wish i’ll get the opportunity to photograph and meet you one day soon
hugs

oh… and happy 25th birthday to the clumsy, forgetful, weird me