i have to admit that i’ve not been very sociable since i’ve been back in Malaysia this trip.
its been 3 months.
i cannot begin to explain why or how this came about but i think i may have a rough idea.

i’m a person who treasures my alone time.
i suppose i’ve not gotten enough quality alone time for up to 8 months prior to my return so i’m doing a crash course on how to alienate people be antisocial.
its not something i do on purpose.
its just a feeling of recuperating from everything that has happened the past 8 months.
not that the events were traumatic in any way.
i just have days when i dont feel like talking to anyone at all.
no phone calls, no small talk, no texts.
then there are days when i want to see people.
but only for a certain amount of time.
somedays i find that going out exhausts me, then i’ll proceed to hermit-ing myself up for the next few days.

is it a stage in life that people go through? i wouldnt know.
i do know that i’m in this phase of my life and not many would understand.

i am an emotional person.
highly emotional.
there are things which i take personally, there are things which i dont give a flying rats ass about.
things which i take personally generally falls on things like how i am not doing enough to help the people whom i’ve set out to help, or how there are so many things which i cannot do anything about because of constrains which dont make sense to begin with.
even other people’s feelings during hardships makes me feel like a train wrecked my heart.
these are the things which depresses me.
i’ve been told that my depression is self inflicted.
indeed.
i’ve naively let myself feel the weight of the world on my shoulders,
have allowed them to strain my back
my mind
my soul

i do wonder at times whether i was born with this
is it a defect? or a gift?
i really cant say
it use to be pretty bad because i can feel the pain of people’s suffering, and immediately i’m put in their shoes willingly or unwillingly, and emotions would rush though my body, whirling in circles like a whirlpool sucking me in, until all that’s left is a worn out shell exhausted and depressed
these days i’m used to mentally blocking these emotions from my mind.
but the wall has holes
and every once in a while, the little that seeps through builds up into a torrent that breaks the wall down only to drown me in despair and depression.
that is probably what happened this time as well.
the edge that pushed me into antisocial-dom

it certainly isnt easy feeling the pain of people i do not even know
it also certainly isnt easy blocking them out

i’ve realized that i’m always distant and preoccupied when i’m with my friends.
i swear i’m not doing it on purpose.
my mind isnt a million miles away.
my mind is right there.
stuck in a flood of thoughts and emotions.
sometimes they rush by and around so fast that they become a cloud of white mist, i sometimes have no idea where’s the beginning and where’s the end.

the lack of simplicity also frustrates me.
it still bewilders me that friendships, especially with the female kind, get so complicated when it shouldnt be in the first place.
the backstabbing, stepping on others to get ahead, jealousy, dishonesty and whatever else that this species can think of.
i suppose it doesnt just apply to the female kind.
it applies to human beings of every kind.
worse is when these traits are seen in people who set out to do good work for the people, charity as they call it
its simply frustrating

cant blame me if i just want to shut myself off for a while