at times, actually its all the time, i feel as though nobody understands me..
it is indescribable, how i actually am as a person.
it actually is complicated, yet simple at the same time.. contradictory? yah i think so..
sigh, yet at the same time i somewhat understand myself.. besides, arent we the true masters of our soul?

sometimes when i zone out, which is quite often actually, it is not because i am not interested in what you’ve got to say or that i’ve got problems, but there are so many things going on inside my head and i’m either trying to figure it out, rationalize, or search inwards for the best possible explanation/rationale.. also at the same time, i may have a million and one ideas popping up about this, that and everything else, some of which gets documented, some i just let slip.. although, at times, i also blank out and allow my thoughts to just swim about just above consciousness without focusing on any single thought just because i need a period of peace..
at the same time, when it comes to having to make small talk, i find myself shunning those moments and shying away as much as possible because i can never make good enough small talk to seem polite or interested.. words just fail me.. i also find small talk meaningless so i’d rather spend quality time with the people i love, talking about things that matter or that are interesting and stimulating.. anything that is debatable, has many points of views, needs creative thought are all things that i enjoy pondering upon, especially when it comes to different ways to solving a lot of the world’s issues which i am personally passionate about, or trying to figure out how the mind works, personalities and characters, cultures..

some people may think i’m directionless in life because i choose to take things as they come as i truly believe that we should live in the moment and also, things change every minute of every day anyways. choosing to ignore that is just being silly.
things that i painstakingly plan never ever works out.. someone once told me that plans only exist for God’s laughing pleasure haha! indeed, every time i decide to do something, like get an epiphany of a straight road ahead, guaranteed, within two weeks, something would come up or something would change which in turn alter the course of my plans entirely.. which doesnt bother me now as i’ve learnt to accept it as it is.. nothing is ever certain, the only certainty is death and that kinda puts things into perspective, doesnt it? granted that these kinda talk only garners comments like “oh you are such an irresponsible person!”, “why cant you have more stability in life? what about your future?”..
well excuse me mister, i know what my end goal is and what i want to achieve in life. the route that i take to get there may not be the same and it may vary from time to time as i go with the flow of life, but it doesnt mean that i’m aimless and have no sense of responsibility. my responsibility, however selfish it may sound, is not to anyone else but myself and to the people i dedicate my life to, in this case, the people who are most voiceless in this world, children, orphans, teenage mothers, women, the abused, the shunned, africa, india, and currently lao.. it may sound odd to you but that is my core passion, so who is anyone to judge me?
i may live the life of a hippie and travel like a nomad, but it isnt in vain, it is to do what i love doing most.

i may not put importance on or think highly of a lot of things that general people do. i do not view success to be in the form of economic status or how popular you are, rather in the little things which i can achieve such as putting a smile on an orphan’s heart or contributing to poverty alleviation in whatever way i can.. success, to me, is in how many lives i am able to change for the better, how many permanent smiles i can put on the hearts of children and the people i’m passionate about.. money does not buy you everything, it certainly does not buy you permanent happiness.. of course money does make the world go round and it is an essential part of life, but what i meant was that its not something i pursue or dream to have more and more of. it isnt something i want an abundance of.

there are also a lot of trivial things that people often take to heart or dramatize which i find really ridiculous and irritating because why fret the little things when there are so many other bigger problems in life as opposed to “why didnt he call me back?” or “why did she say that of me?” or “oh my life is in such shit (coming from sheltered people thinking their small problems are the end of their world)”.. if you must fret, at least fret about something that has more sense or please dont waste anyone else’s time (disclaimer: if you’re someone i regard of as a true friend, i’d listen to you regardless and NOT have ill feelings.. anyone else can go to hell.. said with all the love in the world)..
personally, i’d rather fret about things like how to effectively persuade the malaysian government into altering the rules and regulations of the malaysian constitution to allow refugees permanent stay rather then malaysia being a touch-base only to be sent off to another country and how best to rid the ‘invisible’ child trafficking which is happening pretty much under everybody’s noses..
so, call me if you’re a rational person or if i regard you as one, and put your phones down if you’re only looking for sympathy when all you are is an exaggerating drama queen (this is gender equal.. not suggesting any specific gender per se) :)
oh and also know that i treasure true friendships and regard my few trusted friends as my family :)

i may go an extra mile for the people i am passionate about and whom i think needs it most and are most unable to attain love.. and i guess certain times the people closest to me feel as though i do not prioritize them in my life because any normal person would first put their closest loved ones ahead of everyone else..
well, in this case, i’ve got no easier or kinder way of putting it, but,
“my dear loved ones, you are important to me, and i do love you, but i also think you are capable and able to do and achieve a lot of things on your own. you are blessed with so much more in life and i know and trust that you are capable of handling yourself, so i’d rather sacrifice more for the people who arent able to. it isnt because i do not love you enough, or that i do not want to sacrifice for you, but its because i truly believe that you are blessed enough to be able to be independent and that there are other people in the world that are more in need of a lot of things than you do. however, i will still try my very best to be there when you need me.”
this is something i doubt many will understand. i myself do not understand how or why i could and can feel this way. but this is how i am. i’m sorry if it offends you. i never expected anyone to understand or accept me as i am anyway.

there are a lot of things i’d like to do.. they may sound crazy as though i’ve got a death wish hidden somewhere, but whats life without experiences, hey? haha!
i’d like to truck surf (like stand or lie belly down on top of a 16 wheeler while it drives down the freeway) hmmm actually train surfing sounds fun too.. lol, or dive with sharks (i still hate the ocean), or lay with ligers or go undercover to expose corruption within the feared or journey through continents by 4WD just to create awareness or travel to the most remote and dangerous countries because thats where all the voiceless people are..

oh.. and i get up to soooo much nonsense when i’m in the mood.. it may irk people out sometimes with my nonsense.. i can either go on and on with silly lame jokes or very disgusting things..
and i love, like LOVE grabbin ass.. i may have grabbed most my friend’s asses before.. lol.. so beware!! i may just grab yours just cos i like it! mwahahahahahaha.. and make silly faces at the same time hahaha!

hmmm…. other than that, my quirks includes my odd views of a lot of things.. i may see something and think of the oddest comparison like how the african low bushes look like african curls from the plane, and how planes look like chickens attempting to fly! lol

simple things makes me happy.. like bubbles, genuine smiles, simple acts of kindness, alone time, a good song, beautiful gentle butterflies gliding, cute lil mushrooms, pictures of cute animals, tiger and lion (cubs), giraffes, zoos, babies, kids, food i enjoy, cuddles, time well spent catching up with friends, a good movie, a good photograph.. and a whole host of other things that are often overlooked or child-like..
i mean, seriously, zoos and bubbles makes me OH-SO-HAPPY! :D
me hearts zoos and bubbles! me hearts me hearts me hearts!!

people’ve called me an old soul, eccentric and free spirited..
i honestly dont really  thrive on labels..
but hey, i dont want to be anything other then me
:)