i steal time to dream

lets face facts.
i dream every single night when i close my eyes and lay my head on the pillow.
i’ve got no choice.
same goes to almost every other living being on earth.
regardless of whether the dreams are pleasant or unpleasant, you are automatically in another realm of which is not reality.

to some, this may be a form of escape from the harshness of life.
for some, dreams may alter your mood for the day.
for some, they get the most brilliant ideas from their dreams.
(which is why its a good idea to have a notebook and pen beside you when you sleep)

for me, the best and the worst times are when the alarm goes off.
its when you’re jerked out of your limbo and am apparated (like the recent harry potter movie; squeezed, dragged, expanded, squashed and popping) back into reality.
and then you realise, your world aint all that great or neutral anymore.
but then, with the ingeniousness of the snooze button (i love this invention SO MUCH), you get to attempt to push your way back into your altered reality even if its just for a mere 9 minutes.
now this is the time, that i steal, to dream.
at times, if i’m lucky, i get to continue my dream (i swear my dreams are like tv series.. it continues!)
if that does not happen, and my brains are running 500 mph already, then i dream of whatever i choose.
the worst is when the alarm rings and the minute your brain ‘hears’ the alarm, your whole world, reality, comes crashing down like a tidal wave and there is nothing you can do to hush it and sleeping is just not an option anymore.

but like i said, regardless of the circumstances, those few precious minutes are one of the most private and soothing times a person can get in a day.
its like strolling through the park, during autumn, on a softly narrow road lined with trees whilst orange and red leaves gently glide through the air landing ever so lightly before you on the pathway……
and then when you reach the end, youfallintoasewerwithfecesuptothebottomofyournostrilswithrosepetalssprinkledscarcelyontopofitalllikecherriesonabirthdaycake. (yuck!)

snoozing aint a crime,
although sometimes it makes you late,
but i guess we all just need a little more time to dream.
the world could do with more dreams.

we are one years old!

Dear Baby Stinkys,

Happy 1st Anniversary! I bet you never thought we would get this far right?! Well here we are. One year. We’ve been through massive fights, super manjafied moments, lame jokes and close friendship bonds. Not too bad, i’d say.

You know how people always think that we’ve been together for years? I like that feeling. Its a feeling of comfort like never before. Do you feel that way too?

I know i can be the most irritating person ever, also the most ignorant at the best of times, and no matter how much you’d ignore me, i know that you love me.

This birthday, i know you did a lot for me. But the one thing that trumps everything is not in the gifts or cakes, it was in the moment that you let me sleep in like a pig on my birthday. Normally you’d force me out of bed to either eat or do something or go somewhere to get your work materials, but my heart swelled when you came into the room after you were ready, climb onto the bed, hugged and kissed me and said, “Happy Birthday honey, I love you heaps heaps”. Its so simple i know! But somehow that touched me the most.

Baby baby, do you know when i feel most loved? Its when i’m super manjafied and you put up with it, or when i’m being a major pain-in-the-ass drama queen and yet you giggle or laugh, or times when i’m acting like a little girl in a carefree world and yet you smile. You let me be me (with some scolding of course). I know our fights are long drawn and very pussy like, but everything goes out the window the minute you come looking for me like the time when i was hiding under our make-shift-closet of clothes and you came looking for me and when you found me you extended your hand to pull me up and then hugged me tightly. Its nice. Also, you know when you’re trying to sleep yet i’m talking nonstop like a possessed woman yet you’d laugh at the silly things i say especially at that hour? hehe i love you.

You always say i dont care about you or dont notice things that you do for me. I do. I notice them but sometimes, or most the times i just dont say anything.
I know you love me when you’ll call me just for nothing even though we’re in the same office.
I know you love me when you come looking for me when i dont answer my phone.
I know you love me no matter what nonsense you may say when you’re pissed off.
I know you love me even though you’re frustrated with me and my ignorance.
I know you love me when you smack me when i dont eat.
I know you love me especially when you try to hide the fact that you love me.
i know you love me.

As unpredictable as life always is, I hope this one is predictable.
I love you baby stinkys.
Thank you for loving me.

my layer-cake 23rd

Dear Diary,

i’m 23.
there’s no running away from it.
i think you already know that by now.

before i blab away,
baby stinkys, thank you for getting me the first cake in the office, bringing me to lecka-lecka for dinner, attempting to plan a surprise party and bake me a cake all for my birthday..
i love you very very much………..

this year i had a very mixed-feeling weekend.
i’ve been experiencing feelings of disappointment, joy, gratefulness and lust.
no its not what you think it is.

despite me sleeping through and working most my weekend away, i’ve had some time to think.
at 23, this is not entirely where i want to be.

i cant say that i’ve got regrets, no..
rather, i’m disappointed with myself.
however, the only person to blame is myself, right?
and of course who else to rant to but you, dear diary because i know you’d never stop listening.

i am disappointed that i am stuck somewhere in between not knowing why i’m stuck and knowing how i got stuck but yet not knowing how to get out of it.
and i’m sitting here thinking, how did i get myself into such a bind?
whatever happened to the cirpy i’ve-got-my-life-all-sorted-out me?
nevertheless, i know i need to get out of it.

there were a few wishes that really struck a nerve this year
and of course some presents too!
a touching text from patricia made me feel secure, a text from may and choy made me feel loved, a psp from faiz made me feel like a kid again (and i love it faiz! still very very thankful!), a countertop set from syed made me realise where my life was headed, a notebook from angie made me feel heard and a dress from karl so i’d always have a beautiful and sincerely made dress to wear for a hundred and one of baby’s events.

the group of people who turned up at zeta for my birthday was unexpected yet heart warming
angie + rodney, bryan, lallu + kaixian, syed, andy, adrian + winnie, karl, richard.
you know, they took the time to come out for me!
as simple as it sounds, it meant a lot to me.

i’m grateful that sometimes no matter how stupid or how ignorant i may be, my friends and family are still there for me.
my mom for always, always providing and pushing for us to lead a good life
daddy for always being there as a silent pillar
ning, we’re stuck being sisters and we dont talk or meet up much but i love her to bits
baby stinkys for slapping me into realisation even though i dont want to hear it

after 23 years of life, i lust for more
i want to travel, i want to meet people, i want to photograph, i want to spend my time talking and helping kids and women around the world!
i want to live!
well, my type of living that is.

like the famous kuching layer cake,
thats how my life’s been so far.

six for two

i can still remember vividly how i was thinking, “gawdamnit, its 2009 already!”
and look where we are now,
3 days into the second half of 2009.
i’m still amazed at how fast time rolls.
especially when its going downhill.
wait.
thats a little hard to describe~
the good times are akin to going uphill, right?
but technically, a climb uphill is slow and painstaking,
and going downhill is always fast and disarming but easy.
so how’s that right?
maybe we should turn it around.
oh well.
just some silly thoughts.

anyways, 6 months wasted.
even though i know there should never be regrets but i somehow do.
okay, maybe not regrets.
more like disappointment,
with myself.
i let myself slack.
i let things get out of hand.
a lot of the times i feel like i’ve lost myself.
there is no drive.
i admit, i sometimes think, “heck, whats the point?! nobody gives a shit. its not like i give two hoots about what anybody thinks. so what if you think i’m shit. who are you to say that anyways.”

this needs to change.
even as i’m writing this, i feel like i’m dragging my heart to move along when my body is on the 16th floor and my heart is on ground floor with only skin joining it to me.
4 days ago i thought, “okay, its time to be positive.”
now, i feel like i’m being eaten alive by the Lamia.
-.-”

no.
no!
it HAS TO CHANGE

and there will be change!

starting today i shall change.

1. quit swearing. once i do that, i will, no matter how unwillingly, learn new words to better describe my feelings. come to think of it, words like ‘fuck’ does not describe anything but ignorance.

2. be positive. i will, no matter how hard this is going to be, drag myself up and out from all these negativity. being rational and realistic does not necessarily mean needing to be sceptical, cynical and doubtful.
(its not from the secret, and its not even a secret. its common sense and will power. the secret is only a guide for those who did not previously realise the power of the mind. same goes to religion)

3. be focused. i have to start training my mind to focus. i will need to step out of all negativity to be able to achieve this)

4. believe in and stand up for myself. i’ve never thought i’m beautiful. i’ve never thought i’m smart. i’ve never thought i was good enough and i am NOT good enough. which is why i need to start believing in myself and start better-ing myself. no one can change the world if you do not change yourself (thanks Gandhi!). standing up equates to being firmly me. to hell with the world and what they think.

5. remember. no matter how much we may gripe about our problems and all the  sewers that are exploding in our faces, there are a million other people who are facing much bigger problems, much bigger fears, much bigger worries as compared to what we think we are going through. as i always say, ‘there is more to life than whatever thats in front of us.’ as incomprehensible as it is, its a fact.

6. stop frowning. not only is it giving me unnecessary wrinkles, it does no other good unless looking like a worry-wart-i’ve-got-the-milky-way-in-my-head-and-i’m-coordinating-its-every-movement kinda look is deemed as cool, friendly and pleasant. besides, i know i look terrible when i dont smile. i saw myself on tv okay~ haha.. (peter’s gonna be so proud)

six points for the next six months.
i’m not even going to go through my resolutions.
if the above six is unachievable, there isnt even a point reminiscing.

six for two.