… this ton of dread that something really bad is going to happen,
either to you or to anyone else,
and it weights you down immediately?

have u ever felt your heart sink with a certainty that a negative force is present and you have no control over it?

have u ever felt that u are about to die?

it happened to me this afternoon.

all thoughts of the Cambodian Project was running through my mind
and then out of a sudden,
a sense of dreaded certainty, with an unpresidented force, hit me
and, as stupid as it may sound, a sudden flash of vision stunned me to stillness.
it was me, sitting in my car, watching a 16 wheeled truck drive straight at me and there was nothing i could do but wait for my ascertained death.
and at that moment, i felt as though i knew for sure that this is my death.
(you may say i’ve watched too much tv or that i’ve got a wicked imagination, i dont care)
and i was so convinced that this is going to happen tomorrow, 5th July 2008.
there are no words to fully describe how i felt at that moment.
but i know my heart sank with a thud, somewhat like an anchor thrown overboard,
and tears rushing and forcing itself to be squeezed out of it’s ducts.
and even now when i think about it, the sinking feeling and the tears are still there.
i can not comprehand what happened.
but at that moment, my world stood still.
for the first time in my life, my world came to a complete stop, albeit not for long.
the things i never did, the things i never said, the things i wished i said all came into view
they were like pictures frozen in time, levitating all around me 

all i remember doing after that is, picking up my phone and texting a couple of people
naturally my text sounded as though i was gonna rob myself of my own life (which i’ll NEVER do cos it is so damn stupid~)
nevertheless, there is one person whom i’ve yet said anything to, and i know i will regret that decision.

i know all these sounds dramatic in every way possible
and no, i’m not going to debate this issue
however, just to be safe then sorry, i’m gonna try to stay at home the whole day tomorrow

you can call me a drama queen,
i dont give two flying fucks.

better safe than sorry.