living with ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
or better known as ADHD
or better yet, something not many asians are educated about

i’m gonna go out on a limb and be totally honest and transparent about myself here

all my bleeding life i’ve been told over and over to concentrate, be more focused, have more self esteem, that i’m hyperactive and a whole host of things that never really summed up to anything other than making me feel worse about myself because i felt as though i was difficult and different from other kids and “why am i not normal..?!” always cropped up
regardless, after getting my ass to collage and taking a bit of psychology, i started joking about how i am ADHD
still, i never really took it seriously or did any research at that time as i havent, at that point, examined myself honestly

recently, however, since i’ve gotten a lot of opportunities to understand myself further, well, needless to say i’ve realized a lot of things about myself which i’ve never previously noticed were characteristics which i possess

before elaborating further, here are the types and symptoms of ADHD taken from www.webmd.com
i’ve also (√) the symptoms which i have coupled with occasional commentary

ADHD is more commonly found in children and teens but there are also adults suffering from ADHD. However, symptoms in adults vary from that of children and teens.

Types of ADHD
there are 3 types of ADHD
1) combined ADHD (the most common type), which involves all of the symptoms
2) inattentive ADHD (previously known as ADD), which is marked by impaired attention and concentration
3) hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, which is marked by hyperactivity without inattentiveness

Symptoms of ADHD
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/guide/adhd-symptoms

Inattention may not become apparent until a child enters the challenging environment of school. In adults, symptoms of inattention may manifest in work or in social situations.

A person with ADHD may have some or all of the following symptoms:

• difficulty paying attention to details and tendency to make careless mistakes in school or other activities; producing work that is often messy and careless (thank god i’m a perfectionist when it comes to things i WANT done)
• easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli and frequently interrupting ongoing tasks to attend to trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others  (√ so true)
• inability to sustain attention on tasks or activities  (√ yah! cant read for longer than 10 seconds before having to look up or wander my thoughts)
• difficulty finishing schoolwork or paperwork or performing tasks that require concentration  (√ unless i FORCE myself to especially when it comes to things i WANT done)
• frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another  (√)
• procrastination  (√)
• disorganized work habits  (√ i do things my way)
• forgetfulness in daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)  (√ always forgetting something and here i thought i was having early onset of Alzheimer’s, jk)
• failure to complete tasks such as homework or chores  (√ i think throughout school life i’ve only ever completed 2% of my homework. TRUTH!)
• frequent shifts in conversation, not listening to others, not keeping one’s mind on conversations, and not following details or rules of activities in social situations  (√ yup.. i can start the sentence and lose train of thought and end completely off topic)

Hyperactivity symptoms may be apparent in very young preschoolers and are nearly always present before the age of seven. Symptoms include:

• fidgeting, squirming when seated  (√ yes yes yes and yes)
• getting up frequently to walk or run around  (√)
• running or climbing excessively when it’s inappropriate (in teens this may appear as restlessness)  (√)
• having difficulty playing quietly or engaging in quiet leisure activities  (√ massages and manicures are such pain!)
• being always on the go  (√ hmmm maybe that’s why i travel.. backside itchy)
• often talking excessively  (yah.. haha i think some people can attest to that lol! especially at inappropriate times!)

Hyperactivity may vary with age and developmental stage.

Toddlers and preschoolers with ADHD tend to be constantly in motion, jumping on furniture, and having difficulty participating in sedentary group activities. For instance, they may have trouble listening to a story.

School-age children display similar behavior but with less frequency. They are unable to remain seated, squirm a lot, fidget, or talk excessively.

In adolescents and adults, hyperactivity may manifest itself as feelings of restlessness and difficulty engaging in quiet sedentary activities.

Impulsivity symptoms include:

• impatience  (√)
• difficulty delaying responses  (√)
• blurting out answers before questions have been completed  (√)
• difficulty awaiting one’s turn  (√)
• frequently interrupting or intruding on others to the point of causing problems in social or work settings  (√ i do realize that i sometimes cant stop myself from blurting mid-conversation usually because i just exited my own world and fail to realize that other people are having a discussion or conversation or just yapping.. but i do stop myself once i realize my mistake)
• initiating conversations at inappropriate times  (√ like during movies or whenever something pops into my mind..)

Impulsivity may lead to accidents such as knocking over objects or banging into people. Children with ADHD may also engage in potentially dangerous activities without considering the consequences. For instance, they may climb to precarious positions.

Many of these symptoms occur from time to time in normal youngsters. However, in children with ADHD they occur frequently — at home and at school or when visiting with friends. They also interfere with the child’s ability to function normally.

ADHD is diagnosed after children consistently display some or all of the above behaviors in at least two settings, such as at home and in school, for at least six months.

Long-Term Prognosis With ADHD

Some children with ADHD — approximately 20% to 30% — develop learning problems that may not improve with ADHD treatment. Hyperactive behavior can be associated with the development of other disruptive disorders, particularly conduct and oppositional-defiant disorder. Why this association exists is not known.

A great many children with ADHD ultimately adjust. Some, though, especially those with an associated conduct or oppositional-defiant disorder (√ explains.. i think my mom will appreciate knowing why i was and am so rebellious), are more likely to drop out of school. These individuals fare more poorly in their later careers than individuals who did not have ADHD do.

Inattention tends to persist through childhood and adolescence and on into adulthood. The symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsivity tend to diminish with age (doesnt seem so..).

As they grow older, some teens that have had severe ADHD since middle childhood experience periods of anxiety or depression.

There are several warning signs for ADHD that seem to get worse when demands at school or home increase. They include:

• difficulties following instructions  (√)
• being unable to get organized, either at home or at school  (50/50 depends)
• fidgeting, especially with the hands and feet  (√)
• talking too much  (√ or not at all)
• failing to finish projects, including chores and homework  (√)
• not paying attention to and responding to details  (√ ha! its not because i do it on purpose!)
• getting poor grades in school  (quite lol! i’d say mid level grades)
• being isolated from peers due to poor grades and secondary depression (yes to secondary depression and isolation but not due to grades)

ADHD in adults

ADHD: It’s Not Just for Children
Most people think of children when they hear the term attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. But 30%-70% of kids with ADHD continue having symptoms when they grow up. People with ADHD have an imbalance of neurotransmitter activity in areas of the brain that control attention. In adults, the inability to stay focused can derail careers (√), ambitions (√), and relationships (√). Many adults don’t realize they have the disorder, leaving them mystified about why their goals always seem to slip out of reach.

Adult ADHD Symptoms
ADHD in adults follows a slightly different pattern than in children. Adults may be chronically late to work or important events (√ no shit.. i think my friends are having a laughing fit reading this). They may be disorganized (√ depending on which part of life we’re talking about.. not when it comes to event organizing though curiously), restless (√), and have difficulty relaxing (√). Some people with ADHD have trouble concentrating while reading (√ yup… cant read a couple of sentences without daydreaming a little till i’ve got to re-read the same few sentences haiyoh!). Mood swings (√), low self-esteem (√ AGREED!), and poor anger management (√) are also common problems.

Adult ADHD on the Job
Holding down a job can be tough for people with ADHD. They often have trouble breaking down tasks and following directions (√ more like instructions), staying organized, and making deadlines. They’re also prone to tardiness and careless mistakes. According to a national survey, only half of adults with ADHD were able to maintain a full-time position, compared to 72% of adults without the disorder. When they do work, they tend to earn less than their peers.

Adult ADHD and Marriage
Besides undermining job potential, ADHD can sabotage marriage and other relationships. The condition makes it difficult to remember social commitments, birthdays or anniversaries, finish household chores, and pay bills on time. Adults with ADHD may lose their tempers easily or engage in reckless behavior. This leads to a higher incidence of separation and divorce.

Complications of Adult ADHD
Coping with the symptoms of adult ADHD can be frustrating in itself. Additionally, many adults with ADHD have coexisting conditions such as depression (√ mild), anxiety (√ mild), or obsessive compulsive disorder (√ mild). They’re also more likely to smoke or abuse drugs. People with ADHD can limit these problems by seeking proper treatment.

Adult ADHD: Who’s at Risk?
ADHD does not develop spontaneously in adults. All people with ADHD had symptoms as a child. Many adult patients remember doing poorly in school, even if they were not diagnosed with ADHD at the time. During childhood, the condition is more common in boys than girls, but this ratio appears to even out by adulthood.

Diagnosing ADHD in Adults
Many adults don’t learn that they have ADHD until they get help for another problem, such as anxiety or depression. Discussing poor habits, troubles at work, or marital conflicts often reveals that ADHD is at fault. To confirm the diagnosis, a doctor must verify that the disorder was present during childhood. Old report cards or conversations with relatives can document childhood behavior problems, such as poor focus and hyperactivity.

Counseling for ADHD
Most adults with ADHD improve when they start medication, but they may continue to struggle with poor habits and low self-esteem. Counseling for ADHD focuses on getting organized, setting helpful routines, repairing relationships, and improving social skills. Research is limited, but this type of therapy appears promising. One study suggests medication combined with counseling can ease ADHD symptoms and improve management of daily tasks.

ADHD Diets
Some experts believe foods that provide quality brain fuel could reduce symptoms of ADHD. High-protein foods, including nuts, meat, beans, and eggs, may improve concentration. Replacing simple carbs with complex carbs, like whole-grain pasta or brown rice, can help ward off mood swings and stabilize energy levels.

Outlook for Adults With ADHD
Adults with ADHD don’t outgrow the condition, but many learn to manage it successfully. Long-term treatment can reduce problems at home and at work, bringing patients closer to their families and their professional goals.

before i continue, in my case, i’ve done NO substance or drug abuse or smoke. done neither.
i really thank whichever gods out there and my parents for giving me a sense of stronger moral and fundamental values because my risky behaviours were not drugs or alcohol related, they’re more adventure dangerous more than not (as some may say, i’ve got no regards to safety)

people who know me will know what i’ve (√) to be true
all those years of telling me i’m not focused and oh! the most popular “you arent interested in something long enough..!”
oh but the frustration of not being able to concentrate! its one of the most irritating things in this world!

can you imagine my relief when i read these symptoms?!
I’M NOT DIFFICULT! i just have ADHD!
(ok maybe i am difficult hahaha)
not that its any more comforting the thought that i actually have some disorder :S

at the very least, for now, i know that writing helps straighten out my thoughts in this ‘jumper’ brain of mine, documentary photography still has my interest, traveling keeps my restlessness at bay for now, adventures makes me feel alive, humanitarian philanthropy is my life’s goal, and event management especially last minute quality control is my forte (because it seems that extremely stressful situations plucks my concentration back down to earth albeit fleetingly)

if you recognize a few of these symptoms in you or your child, please get a diagnosis and help
it’ll save you and your child from a lot of self-doubt, heartache and arguments

big hugs to anyone with ADHD
it aint easy having ADHD

more reading material on girls with ADHD
http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/features/yes-girls-get-adhd-too 

snow flakes a-fallin’

so yeah..
its the time of the year when………………………….

no resolutions whatsoever to be made this year
my only request is for this coming year to be kinder
and for me to improve on myself and be better

amen

made to feel inadequate

for years people have been telling me that i’m not responsible because i do not want to take up a 9-5 job just like everyone else to earn the money many wish to have more of
well, like i’ve said over and over, money aint something i want more of. its just a means to an end.

at the same time, FYI, i am NOT by any means irresponsible.
i may be irresponsible in your eyes and your terms and your world’s rules..
but not to me.
at the very least, i’m going out there braving the unknown to try my hand at different things.

and if by irresponsible you mean my wandering focus,
well, i’m not ashamed of it.
i admit that i am still finding out what truly ticks for me.
granted i have core passions such as humanitarian work and documentary photojournalism
but i have not limited myself to just that.
yes i may not be as focused as a lot of highly ambitious people out there
thou, can they truly say that they have tried their hand at whatever it is that they are capable of doing?

i can say that i’ve tried events managing and i find that i dont panic and fare well in last minute chaotic situations which i find that i kind of like doing
i’ve tried teaching english and now i understand the hardships that comes with teaching english as a foreign language to people who do not know how to speak a word of english
i’ve tried farming and realized that it aint easy growing your own crops what with the weather, bugs, animals and everything soil related to worry about
i’ve tried pig washing and boy do i LOVE it! they stink though hahaha
i’ve tried videography and damn it is hell lot of fun
i’ve tried writing, and i still do occasionally, it is what keeps me sane
i’ve tried photography, still trying photography and will continue photography
i’ve tried wedding planning and like it almost as much as events managing
i’ve tried and still will continue doing charity fund raisers, concerts and all because it merges 2 or more of my passions in one
i’ve tried car mechanics, it still intrigues me and i’ll continue learning what i can about cars and how i can rid myself of having to send my car to the workshop every time something happens
i’ve tried wiring and i know i love wiring so my next new toys will be a bunch of new tools wire cutters and all
i’ve tried modeling and failed miserable but i know thats not a field i want to go into
i’ve also tried acting.. major epic fail lol! but at least i made the director, producers and crew laugh so hard they told me i should do stand up comedy lol!
i’ve tried pageantry and HELL NO, no more!
i’ve tried PR and well, no more of that either
i’ve tried performing (percussions) and i’ve got to admit i miss it some times even though i still have massive stage fright
i’ve tried classical piano and teaching, not something i’d go into willingly again
i’ve traveled alone to South Africa, Laos, Thailand.. DEFINITELY do it again!
i am trying my hand now at sound systems and frankly its pretty fun too
hell there are so many more things i’ve tried my hand at.. and honestly, its still so little which i’ve done, not even a raindrop worth of experience this world has to offer

yet all of this is nothing.. they are just skills and knowledge
these are things that i may forget or lose interest in along the way in life
but its no lost
i’ve learnt far valuable lessons through each and everything that i’ve learnt

i’ve learnt more and more about myself
i’ve learnt how to deal with difficult people
i’ve learnt to adapt and ease into a new culture as though its my own skin
i’ve learnt to pick up a language in a week
i’ve learnt patience for the people
i’ve learnt that life is so simple yet us as humans always somehow seem to messy it up for ourselves by complicating things which are as simple as love, joy and peace
i’ve learnt that all of my problems and whatever that i’ve faced or am facing is nothing compared to the suffering that millions of people are facing in this world today due to poverty, lack of love and kindness
i’ve learnt that beauty isnt just skin deep, you’ve got to be beautiful on the inside to be considered beautiful
i’ve learnt that it only takes a second to make a difference in another person’s life
similarly, it only takes a second to make a difference in our own lives with the choices we make
i’ve learnt that love is unconditional, help should be unconditional too
i’ve learnt that the reason behind me not crying when faced with humanitarian issues as grievous as death is because from some corner of my heart i unconsciously knew that i had to be the pillar of strength to those who needed strength
i’ve learnt that it is not us blessed people who inspire those in need, rather it is them who inspire us continuously with their unyielding faith, hope and gratefulness
i’ve learnt that giving is far more productive then receiving
i’ve learnt that money is nothing compared to love because the ability to make someone feel appreciated and loved is nothing money can ever buy
i’ve learnt that character is what counts. personality is just superficial
i’ve learn to not be calculative
i’ve also learnt to never judge and to be open minded and fair towards everyone for they all have a past and have made mistakes, as do i
i’ve learnt that i’m the only person in the world who truly understands me
i’ve also learnt that even though our friends will never wholly understand our problems and us, there are a precious few who’d still stick by you and love you all the same through thick and thin, till death do us part

so many precious things which i’ve learnt throughout the years with many more which i cannot even begin to comprehend at this point in time
and yet there are people who set out to try to pull me back down to their version of ‘earth’
to them, i say, i’m sorry it didnt work
it did at one point in time
but lost as you think i am,
i’ve got a mount of experiences and life changing self discoveries which still renders me speechless even when i ponder upon them

so there.. i aint inadequate as you set out to make me feel
neither am i irresponsible
i just take chances

the crazies

“here’s to the crazy ones. the misfits. the rebels. the trouble-makers. the round pegs in the square holes. the ones who see things differently. they’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. you can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. but the only thing you cant do is ignore them. because they change things. they push the human race forward. and while some may see them as the crazy ones, i see genius. because the people who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

taken from pipinero.tumblr.com

Malaysian first

often in my travels when i meet people, they’d ask me where i’m from
i’d say Malaysia.
I am Malaysian.

some will look at me oddly and say, “.. but you look chinese!”.
i’d then patiently explain that there are a few different cultures and ethnicity residing in Malaysia and have been for years, and yes, even though our forefathers were from China or India or of the Malay Archipelago, we’re all regarded as ‘Malaysian’.
granted not many people can grasp that concept but hey, thats why we’re unique!

so anyways, it actually just occurred to me that i’ve never told people “I’m chinese” anywhere else except in Malaysia!
it seems like somehow my country men are obsessed with what i am just because i look like i can be Malay, Thai, Indon, Cambodian, Lao.. you get the drift..

so this begs the question, why are Malaysians so obsessed with their race?
do they really feel a need to validate their existence through the acknowledgement of their race?
first of all, our leaders can’t even answer the question “Are you first Malaysian? or first Malay.”
some even said the latter first.
its quite embarrassing when they’re trying to preach 1Malaysia when they are not even living it.
that and the need to include ‘race’ and ‘religion’ in our identification card and in forms.

i suppose it stems from insecurities.

if there really is interest in creating a truly unified and harmonious nation, eliminate all need to categorize your citizens into pigeon holes.
the fault of unity failing at every level comes from our leaders.
if they can’t even be brave enough to eliminate the importance of racial categorizing, what more their people.
traits like these seep down through the cracks and into all crevices whether you dare and/or choose to acknowledge it or not

so ask yourself, are you Malaysian? or a race?

was ready to give up

a few days ago as i was walking along the streets of Bangkok, i felt like i was ready to give up
i felt like i was ready to just go back, admit defeat, and attempt to be like everyone else
but then, out of nowhere, it occurred to me that all the great people in this world felt like giving up at one or more times in their journey to achieve their goal
but because they did not give up, they are where they are now

of course i felt an immediate sense of relief and tried holding on to the seemingly fleeting moment of clarity

yesterday on my visa run out of thailand, there was a well aged man sitting opposite me in the train and i felt bad for taking up his leg space because if i was not there, he’d be able to sit with his leg up on my seat
so after a few stops at about 5+pm, he bought dinner along the way, so did i
i finished my dinner first before him but thought to just wait for him to finish so i can throw his food container along with mine so he wont have to get up
so after he finished, i just tapped him on his shoulder and indicated to him that i’ll throw his boxes for him
he was in shock
he looked at me weird as though i stole his brain or something

by about 6:30pm, i was dozing off hugging my legs on the seat and he tried to catch my attention, and then proceeded to tell the train supervisor to turn my seat into a bed so i could sleep, and then he moved off somewhere else
see, these bunk beds dont get made till almost 8pm or past unless you’ve got a baby or child onboard
so this man gave up his seat so i could get my bed first because he saw that i was falling asleep
touching story number 1

after arriving at Butterworth, i made my way to the ticketing counter to buy my return ticket
and realized i was short of RM1
i was frustrated and flustered because the nearest ATM was across the street somewhere
but a man beside me asked me how much i was short and proceeded to giving me RM1!
as i was getting my ticket, a chinese couple came up beside me and started asking me in mandarin to help them get train tickets to KL
they told me that they have not been to school before so they did not know how to speak malay or read for that matter
they looked tired, lost, worn out and so kesian…!
so i tried to help them buy their tickets but the guys behind me were getting really impatient so the lady behind the counter told me that they had to go to the back of the super long line and wait their turn
so i told the lady what they needed, and she acknowledged that she knew, but just to be sure, i took out my notebook, tore a page out and wrote down in BM “dua orang, malam ini, train pergi ke KL Sentral” (translation: 2 persons, tonight, train to KL Central) and passed it to them
they thanked me over and over and over with so much gratefulness in their voices it was heartbreaking
if i had the money i’d even buy them their ticket, seriously.. but i didnt have enough
but i did realize how important it is to have basic education

anyways, after that i got to chatting with a chinese guy who works in thailand and is on a visa run as well
he asked me what i was up to and i explained roughly
then he surprised me by saying
“dont give up. we each have our own lives to live, our own paths to walk. so since you’ve already chosen this path, just stick to it, and one day you’ll succeed.”
i was blown away
i didnt think that i sounded or looked like i’m about to give up
neither did i indicate to him anything remotely close to that
but here is an absolutely random person giving me the advice i needed to hear straightforwardly and unabashedly.
not only that, he later paid the cab driver my cab fare and told me not to worry about it!
i’m so grateful. so grateful!
(lets not think negatively, can?)
touching story number 2 

things to be grateful for?
kindness and generosity 

so first a voice in my head, the next a totally random guy?
i think its a sign

is it really a quarter?

25

thats the age women dread because they are told that everything starts to go downhill and unsightly orange peals render us to hide away our shorts to be replaced by longer pants and skirts
some girls resort to buying younger looking clothes and accessories just to look and hopefully feel younger
personally, i’m wondering whether my style’s appropriate for my age because i dont want to start looking like i’m trying to dress like i’m holding on to my teens

whats more important though, is how we feel inside, right?
well, when i’m reminded that i’m turning 25, i cringe with shock as the idea that i’m entering the late twenties is so foreign it feels like songkran in Thailand where they throw ice filled water on you on a hot hot day
yet on the other hand, i’ve always felt like an old old soul.. jaded is an understatement
most of the time i feel like i’m 35 going on 40
its so contradictory i know
i suppose its because i’ve always been the youngest wherever i go

the sudden realization that i’m 25 also somehow brings reality rushing forward to hit me in the face like its spring has just been let go after being over-stretched

all of a sudden i’m wondering what i’ve achieved so far
i’ve lived 25 years of my life and i still feel like a failure for not achieving more
and what if i live another 25 years and not do enough to make a difference in this world?

should i continue being a wallpaper? or should i try to step out into the rushing traffic?

when i was 15-24, adulthood seem so impossibly far away as though it wasnt achievable to live to feel the rush of adulthood and the rest of my life
and now all of a sudden i’m here, i’m at the start of the rest of my life, i’m at the doorway and whether i like it or not i’ll have to turn the door knob and take that first step through
it is as though my legs are moving on a treadmill with a mind of its own

life? really?

i’ve lost a lot of friends along the way, gained some, missed some
i’ve been stabbed in the back, loved as a whole
lost in time and space, at exactly where i was suppose to be

there have been experiences which, at the time made me wish they had never happened to me
yet i’m grateful they did after a few dusty roads ahead
and when i stop to look back, the journey didnt seem as tough as i first thought it was, i’d even smile, tip my hat and walk on all the time feeling as though the angels were smiling back at me as i take the next step into the unknown
sometimes things visualize in front of me as my foot touches the ground, yet other times all i see is the bleak darkness of uncertainty

honestly i cant say i’ve made a lot of right decisions this past year
hell, i’ve made some terrible decisions this past year
i’ve got to admit though, that i’m still working at getting past forgiving myself

so this coming year will be a year of observation

with almost everyone i know settling down, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, losing people they love,
it stops my heart
all of a sudden, i realize that there is so much more to life
there are so many things that i’ve not done
so much that i can do
with so little time

for the first time in my life, i truly understand what it feels like to want to be free
thoughts about getting married makes my heart trip, stumble and roll down a hill
all my life i’ve wanted to get married, have kids, have a nice family living a simple life somewhere
but in the past 2 years leading up to this day, the clarity of a world of experience and possibilities shines brighter from the tireless wipes to clear the dust in my soul’s eyes
it isnt that i dont want to get married
but i realized, i’m just not ready for that at this stage of my life
and as much as i love kids and wish i have kids, this is not the time

sometimes i wish i was more normal
you know, regular
so at least i’d feel like i fit in more
but then, why should i fit in, right?

screw the norm, i should be unprecedented

that sounded so much easier said in my head than done

this coming year, i’ve got goals which i will not mention
i also have goals i’ve yet to realize

last year i wished to travel more..
this year i’ll be more specific
i want to travel to more countries
photograph more causes
champion my own cause

i would also like to thank my loved ones, my true friends
without you guys, my life will not be
you’ve given me so much, yet all i’ve done is hide for the best part of the year
please forgive me, and give me some time
i’ll try to get back on my feet even though i’m still being dragged on my behind

that said,
happy birthday Mr Nelson Mandela
i hope to be more like you
wish i’ll get the opportunity to photograph and meet you one day soon
hugs

oh… and happy 25th birthday to the clumsy, forgetful, weird me

antisocial; a phase

i have to admit that i’ve not been very sociable since i’ve been back in Malaysia this trip.
its been 3 months.
i cannot begin to explain why or how this came about but i think i may have a rough idea.

i’m a person who treasures my alone time.
i suppose i’ve not gotten enough quality alone time for up to 8 months prior to my return so i’m doing a crash course on how to alienate people be antisocial.
its not something i do on purpose.
its just a feeling of recuperating from everything that has happened the past 8 months.
not that the events were traumatic in any way.
i just have days when i dont feel like talking to anyone at all.
no phone calls, no small talk, no texts.
then there are days when i want to see people.
but only for a certain amount of time.
somedays i find that going out exhausts me, then i’ll proceed to hermit-ing myself up for the next few days.

is it a stage in life that people go through? i wouldnt know.
i do know that i’m in this phase of my life and not many would understand.

i am an emotional person.
highly emotional.
there are things which i take personally, there are things which i dont give a flying rats ass about.
things which i take personally generally falls on things like how i am not doing enough to help the people whom i’ve set out to help, or how there are so many things which i cannot do anything about because of constrains which dont make sense to begin with.
even other people’s feelings during hardships makes me feel like a train wrecked my heart.
these are the things which depresses me.
i’ve been told that my depression is self inflicted.
indeed.
i’ve naively let myself feel the weight of the world on my shoulders,
have allowed them to strain my back
my mind
my soul

i do wonder at times whether i was born with this
is it a defect? or a gift?
i really cant say
it use to be pretty bad because i can feel the pain of people’s suffering, and immediately i’m put in their shoes willingly or unwillingly, and emotions would rush though my body, whirling in circles like a whirlpool sucking me in, until all that’s left is a worn out shell exhausted and depressed
these days i’m used to mentally blocking these emotions from my mind.
but the wall has holes
and every once in a while, the little that seeps through builds up into a torrent that breaks the wall down only to drown me in despair and depression.
that is probably what happened this time as well.
the edge that pushed me into antisocial-dom

it certainly isnt easy feeling the pain of people i do not even know
it also certainly isnt easy blocking them out

i’ve realized that i’m always distant and preoccupied when i’m with my friends.
i swear i’m not doing it on purpose.
my mind isnt a million miles away.
my mind is right there.
stuck in a flood of thoughts and emotions.
sometimes they rush by and around so fast that they become a cloud of white mist, i sometimes have no idea where’s the beginning and where’s the end.

the lack of simplicity also frustrates me.
it still bewilders me that friendships, especially with the female kind, get so complicated when it shouldnt be in the first place.
the backstabbing, stepping on others to get ahead, jealousy, dishonesty and whatever else that this species can think of.
i suppose it doesnt just apply to the female kind.
it applies to human beings of every kind.
worse is when these traits are seen in people who set out to do good work for the people, charity as they call it
its simply frustrating

cant blame me if i just want to shut myself off for a while

just a quickie: Khmu tribe’s plight

the past 4 days I’ve traveled up north from Vientiane to Vang Vieng up through to Xaignaboury
we experienced an earthquake there, magnitude 4.6, epicentre 31km from Xaignaboury
we also went to visit a remote Yeo tribe
and also a small Khmu tribe just before the Mekong River on the road that leads to Xaignaboury
and the plight of the Khmu tribe hit a nerve

this Khmu tribe has no access to clean water
their kids swim, bathe, brush their teeth using water from a pond shared with little fishes, ducks and goodness knows what else
drinking water comes from such ponds as well
having sanitary water would eliminate up to 85% of waterborne diseases causing suffering and death amongst these people
building a well and water filtration system does not take much, just a mere 2,000USD
and it would teach them a skill so that they in turn would be able to educate and help other tribes build wells and water filtration systems

i’m going to raise that money to build them one
and help build it too

who’s with me?

lack of updates

i’m guilty as charged..
initially wanted to use this blog as a platform for people to get connected to voluntary work, especially independent efforts
but where i’m staying, i do not get internet on my laptop
hence the lack of updates

anyways, i’ve got a new haircut!

short hair is great for voluntary work especially when you’ve got no shower heads, no heater, having to shower extremely cold water in cold weather with the wind blowing in to the almost outdoor bathroom, and at times extremely hot weather!

during my short visit back to Malaysia, Josephine Woon (Jo) whom i met 4 years back posted on facebook that she’s got some baby clothes to give away.. so i contacted her and got a HUGE luggage worth of baby’s and kids clothes along with a few smaller bags of kids stuff..
and when i told her about the kids and them not having english books and colour pencils, she went out and bought me a whole load of them!
THANK YOU JO!

the following two pictures were taken with my phone (nokia e72).. the quality is.. questionable.. sorry

before i landed, i posted on my facebook that i needed notebooks and pens and blackboard dusters..
in less than an hour, Charlene Yap, whom i also met 4 years back said that she’ll buy them for my students!
here is a shot of my adult class using the workbook Jo got with the pens that Charlene bought..
THANK YOU CHARLENE!!

i was pretty sure my luggages were gonna be overweight.. so the night before i was going to fly back to Lao, i took a chance and emailed Mr. Tony Fernandes and told him about my situation
the next day, i got an email from Frank Bateman of Customer Care informing me that i’ve been awarded 15kg extra on top of the 30kg that i bought! And that my new flight itinerary was already waiting in my inbox for print!
that was AWESOME!
i had 45kg total!
THANK YOU MR. TONY FERNANDES and FRANK BATEMAN!

although, at the airport, i was charged RM100 cos i was 5kg over my 45kg..
-.-
oh well.. its for the kids.. its worth it!
too bad the lady at the counter was super rude to me, the security too.. when i walked pass them, they looked at me and went “seorang je bawak semua ni?!” (one person bringing so much stuff?!) *sarcastically*
oh well..

and THANK YOU MOMMY for the IQ books, pencil boxes, colouring books, and toys for Kao and Lo
THANK YOU NING for the clothes for them too

so i gave a huge bag of baby clothes, few toys, new bottle to baby Matthew, will upload pictures if i can.. the parents were super grateful they thanked me publicly on Sunday..
gave the notebooks and pens to my adult students who were super happy and excited some of them started using them already, the rest felt it too precious so they decided to keep them for later
gave jewellery to my Lao mom and Matthew’s mom.. its something when you see them wear it over and over
gave the colour pencils to the kids
gave some IQ and colouring books with toys and colour pencils to Kao and Lo (two kids at the farm) and they were super duper mega excited when i taught them how to do the IQ games! that was a sight to behold.. the joy on their faces!
and later on used the colouring english books with the kids english class and they LOVED english class for the first time since i’ve been there (i’ve only taught them a few times).. they LOVED the books, Poo even hugged the book almost the entire time unbelieving that its hers to keep.. the rest had to ask my permission whether they can colour every single picture in that lesson.. its their first time actually colouring..

the things we take for granted, others treasure with all their hearts
certainly puts things into perspective, time and time again

oh so new a year

gaah! its the new year again!! how did this happen? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!

ok i should stop being so drama lol! it does seem all so sudden and waaaay too fast though..

well, a whole load of people always say “oh if your year started out bad, it’ll end bad” or for the optimistic “ahh your year started out bad so it’ll end super great!”..

you’re ALL wrong.

our years each start out uniquely fashioned to our choices through out the year prior. i know i myself gripe about how my year always starts out bad and ends bad. but that’s just me being drama and wanting some love although sometimes it does start out less ideal than i would have hoped for. and even then, even when it isnt as ideal as anyone would have hoped for, we can still make the conscious decision to make it good.

i just had a thought on Christmas eve, in the bathroom, where i always get my ideas.
it occurred to me that our bad years, all our downs, are suppose to be good and we should celebrate more that our year had more bads than goods because it is in and through those bad moments that we learn and mold and change. isnt that something to be celebrated? i suppose we as humans sometimes over look that and its always easier said than done.

i have to admit that i myself at times forget that all the trials and tribulations i’m in is cause for gratefulness. i do tend to see the bad in things before knocking sense into myself that it is actually good for me.

so, if your year end isnt turning out to be what you’ve hoped for, i’d say, take a moment to calm your thoughts and heart. a quiet new year isnt a bad thing. besides, there are millions upon millions of people and children out there having a worser time than us yet being more happy and grateful. thats embarrassing.
if you’re a wine person (or whatever your vice is), get yourself a glass of wine and a nice movie or music cd, snuggle into your couch, and have yourself a simple, quiet new year because you sure do need all your strength and energy for the coming year ahead!

i am personally looking forward to the new year even though i’ve completely no idea whats in-stored. and when i say i have completely no idea, i mean i COMPLETELY have no idea but i am more than determined to make it great so that 2012 will be even better! *fingers crossed*

my goals for this year:

1) finish my book (shhhh… yes i’m writing myself one lol!)
2) inspire more people to dream, believe, learn, do and be better so that they may in turn inspire others in the similar capacity
3) finish plans on my epic journey to SA and hopefully launch it
4) be happy

i generally reserve my goals for my bday.. but i suppose i can always renew and add some in mid way lol!

wishful thinking:
1) that a billion and more less fortunate children out there may lead a better life thanks to the many volunteers who’ve given up their time and lives for the betterment of the people/future
2) to travel more for charity!
3) to be back in Africa
4) have always wanted a necklace which i never have to take off. hope i get the necklace of my dreams this year (its somewhere on this blog.. shameless i know hehe!)

so, have a lovely new year

the christmas reflect

as the year comes to an end, i am forced to face all the mistakes i’ve made. all the wrong choices i’ve decided upon. and at the end of the day, there is no one else to blame, but myself.
i may have dug myself into my own shit hole and i may think that i deserve everything that i’m going through, but it is no one else’s fault, but my own.

i am yet reminded of the fact that our choices are ours and ours alone. the consequences of our decisions are entirely our responsibility. it does not matter whether or not others understand me, well sometimes it does matter, but at the end of the day, we do not owe anyone any explanation. we, however, owe it to ourselves to right those wrongs, and that is the hardest part.

it may take a person a mile of a courage to take the first step out of their comfort zone, but it takes wisdom and a whole load of humility to face themselves head on, and to right the wrongs of their decisions.

i am not a saint. i make mistakes. and i’m still trying to get there. to where its right. i’ve hurt people i truly love along the way to which i greatly regret. but what’s done is done. there is no turning back.

i hope this coming year will be a year of greater enlightenment and self fulfillment.

here’s to the season of joy, love and prospects.

blessed christmas to you.

 

Part of where I’m going, is knowing where I’m coming from

at times, actually its all the time, i feel as though nobody understands me..
it is indescribable, how i actually am as a person.
it actually is complicated, yet simple at the same time.. contradictory? yah i think so..
sigh, yet at the same time i somewhat understand myself.. besides, arent we the true masters of our soul?

sometimes when i zone out, which is quite often actually, it is not because i am not interested in what you’ve got to say or that i’ve got problems, but there are so many things going on inside my head and i’m either trying to figure it out, rationalize, or search inwards for the best possible explanation/rationale.. also at the same time, i may have a million and one ideas popping up about this, that and everything else, some of which gets documented, some i just let slip.. although, at times, i also blank out and allow my thoughts to just swim about just above consciousness without focusing on any single thought just because i need a period of peace..
at the same time, when it comes to having to make small talk, i find myself shunning those moments and shying away as much as possible because i can never make good enough small talk to seem polite or interested.. words just fail me.. i also find small talk meaningless so i’d rather spend quality time with the people i love, talking about things that matter or that are interesting and stimulating.. anything that is debatable, has many points of views, needs creative thought are all things that i enjoy pondering upon, especially when it comes to different ways to solving a lot of the world’s issues which i am personally passionate about, or trying to figure out how the mind works, personalities and characters, cultures..

some people may think i’m directionless in life because i choose to take things as they come as i truly believe that we should live in the moment and also, things change every minute of every day anyways. choosing to ignore that is just being silly.
things that i painstakingly plan never ever works out.. someone once told me that plans only exist for God’s laughing pleasure haha! indeed, every time i decide to do something, like get an epiphany of a straight road ahead, guaranteed, within two weeks, something would come up or something would change which in turn alter the course of my plans entirely.. which doesnt bother me now as i’ve learnt to accept it as it is.. nothing is ever certain, the only certainty is death and that kinda puts things into perspective, doesnt it? granted that these kinda talk only garners comments like “oh you are such an irresponsible person!”, “why cant you have more stability in life? what about your future?”..
well excuse me mister, i know what my end goal is and what i want to achieve in life. the route that i take to get there may not be the same and it may vary from time to time as i go with the flow of life, but it doesnt mean that i’m aimless and have no sense of responsibility. my responsibility, however selfish it may sound, is not to anyone else but myself and to the people i dedicate my life to, in this case, the people who are most voiceless in this world, children, orphans, teenage mothers, women, the abused, the shunned, africa, india, and currently lao.. it may sound odd to you but that is my core passion, so who is anyone to judge me?
i may live the life of a hippie and travel like a nomad, but it isnt in vain, it is to do what i love doing most.

i may not put importance on or think highly of a lot of things that general people do. i do not view success to be in the form of economic status or how popular you are, rather in the little things which i can achieve such as putting a smile on an orphan’s heart or contributing to poverty alleviation in whatever way i can.. success, to me, is in how many lives i am able to change for the better, how many permanent smiles i can put on the hearts of children and the people i’m passionate about.. money does not buy you everything, it certainly does not buy you permanent happiness.. of course money does make the world go round and it is an essential part of life, but what i meant was that its not something i pursue or dream to have more and more of. it isnt something i want an abundance of.

there are also a lot of trivial things that people often take to heart or dramatize which i find really ridiculous and irritating because why fret the little things when there are so many other bigger problems in life as opposed to “why didnt he call me back?” or “why did she say that of me?” or “oh my life is in such shit (coming from sheltered people thinking their small problems are the end of their world)”.. if you must fret, at least fret about something that has more sense or please dont waste anyone else’s time (disclaimer: if you’re someone i regard of as a true friend, i’d listen to you regardless and NOT have ill feelings.. anyone else can go to hell.. said with all the love in the world)..
personally, i’d rather fret about things like how to effectively persuade the malaysian government into altering the rules and regulations of the malaysian constitution to allow refugees permanent stay rather then malaysia being a touch-base only to be sent off to another country and how best to rid the ‘invisible’ child trafficking which is happening pretty much under everybody’s noses..
so, call me if you’re a rational person or if i regard you as one, and put your phones down if you’re only looking for sympathy when all you are is an exaggerating drama queen (this is gender equal.. not suggesting any specific gender per se)
oh and also know that i treasure true friendships and regard my few trusted friends as my family

i may go an extra mile for the people i am passionate about and whom i think needs it most and are most unable to attain love.. and i guess certain times the people closest to me feel as though i do not prioritize them in my life because any normal person would first put their closest loved ones ahead of everyone else..
well, in this case, i’ve got no easier or kinder way of putting it, but,
“my dear loved ones, you are important to me, and i do love you, but i also think you are capable and able to do and achieve a lot of things on your own. you are blessed with so much more in life and i know and trust that you are capable of handling yourself, so i’d rather sacrifice more for the people who arent able to. it isnt because i do not love you enough, or that i do not want to sacrifice for you, but its because i truly believe that you are blessed enough to be able to be independent and that there are other people in the world that are more in need of a lot of things than you do. however, i will still try my very best to be there when you need me.”
this is something i doubt many will understand. i myself do not understand how or why i could and can feel this way. but this is how i am. i’m sorry if it offends you. i never expected anyone to understand or accept me as i am anyway.

there are a lot of things i’d like to do.. they may sound crazy as though i’ve got a death wish hidden somewhere, but whats life without experiences, hey? haha!
i’d like to truck surf (like stand or lie belly down on top of a 16 wheeler while it drives down the freeway) hmmm actually train surfing sounds fun too.. lol, or dive with sharks (i still hate the ocean), or lay with ligers or go undercover to expose corruption within the feared or journey through continents by 4WD just to create awareness or travel to the most remote and dangerous countries because thats where all the voiceless people are..

oh.. and i get up to soooo much nonsense when i’m in the mood.. it may irk people out sometimes with my nonsense.. i can either go on and on with silly lame jokes or very disgusting things..
and i love, like LOVE grabbin ass.. i may have grabbed most my friend’s asses before.. lol.. so beware!! i may just grab yours just cos i like it! mwahahahahahaha.. and make silly faces at the same time hahaha!

hmmm…. other than that, my quirks includes my odd views of a lot of things.. i may see something and think of the oddest comparison like how the african low bushes look like african curls from the plane, and how planes look like chickens attempting to fly! lol

simple things makes me happy.. like bubbles, genuine smiles, simple acts of kindness, alone time, a good song, beautiful gentle butterflies gliding, cute lil mushrooms, pictures of cute animals, tiger and lion (cubs), giraffes, zoos, babies, kids, food i enjoy, cuddles, time well spent catching up with friends, a good movie, a good photograph.. and a whole host of other things that are often overlooked or child-like..
i mean, seriously, zoos and bubbles makes me OH-SO-HAPPY!
me hearts zoos and bubbles! me hearts me hearts me hearts!!

people’ve called me an old soul, eccentric and free spirited..
i honestly dont really  thrive on labels..
but hey, i dont want to be anything other then me

Lao: buses and songtiaos :)

One of the many hidden pleasures of Lao are their public transportation, be it the bus, songtiao, tuk tuk or motorbike…
I can honestly say that these rides are a tremendous bundle of fun and an experience you wouldnt want to miss!
mind you, if you decide to venture on any one of these public transportation, you’ve got to leave your rush-rush mindset at home because by traveling on any of these, you’ve got to allocate extra amounts of time just so that you wont be somewhere late..

Say, the bus for example..
you take the bus, to any of the Bans (villages) in Vientiane Province (mind you the Vientiane province is HUGE!) and you’ll see a wonderful sense of helpfulness and extraordinary patience!
for example, once they find out that i am not Lao, and i tell them my destination e.g. Song Keua Khang Saeng (the farm), which the bus driver generally wouldnt know where as its too small a village, i’ll have to tell them either Ban Ilay or Nokeo Resort..
and the minute i turn to look for a seat, a few people, or at least one person would start to relocate people just so that there’s a seat for me.. and this does not only happen to foreigners, the special treatment i mean, they do it for anyone, especially the women and children. they’ll make sure you’re comfortable and you’re seated well then they’ll go back to daydreaming or whatnot..
and then half way through the trip, the bus would suddenly stop, and some people would get off.. and i’m sitting there wondering, on my first trip on the bus, ‘why’s everyone getting off and the bus not moving?’.. then i realize that the bus driver stopped the bus, and at times would ask the passengers whether they want to buy food or groceries, and he’d wait! like ‘FWAR!’ if anyone were to ask the bus driver in Malaysia to wait for them as they buy food, they’d get cursed at and the bus driver would either drive off or tell them to shut up and sit down or to go get a cab lol!
so people generally just get off, buy whatever they want to buy, then the bus driver makes sure everyone’s on board again, and off we go…. lol! that certainly is an experience not to be missed!
then comes the caring part.. see, Ban Ilay is quite a big village.. so if i say Ban Ilay, they’d start to panic for me once we arrive at the village.. they’d start pointing out the window and trying to ask me where i wanna stop at and i’m sitting there all calm saying ‘no no not yet!’.. but then i pulak get kancheong and i’d sometimes tell the other passengers to inform the bus driver to stop too early -.- and i end up having to walk… hahaha… but its quite a sight-seeing the ladies, or on one occasion, a man so worked up and worried that i’d miss my stop! lol..
(that man, because i was taking the bus from the farm to the airport, when i got off, he saw me looking the wrong way and he poked his head out the window and yelled to me that the airport’s that way that way! all while gesturing frantically in the direction of the airport.. lol!) all this is definitely a sight to behold..

BUT, my favourite of trips are trips on the songtiaos..
see, songtiaos are trucks, half a ton or one tons converted into bigger versions of the tuk tuk.. rarely when you get on the songtiao, you’ll find it completely empty, unless you go at an odd hour or the songtiao just started work..
so (this is all so exciting! eeeeps!) you get on after informing the driver of your destination, and you’ll find all these other people on the truck as well, and almost all the time they’ll be happily chatting away, laughing and just talking.. and mind you, these people, most of them, dont know each other.. they’ve either never met, or they’d recognize each other by passing.. and they’d just chat and chat and chat and its so heartwarming as you wouldnt get this anywhere else in developed countries! and then when the songtiao stops to pick other passengers up, they’d shift and move to make space for the new people even if its already so full that a kid is sitting on a stool in the middle and people are standing at the back of the truck.. and the bestest part is, whenever a lady with a child comes on, the others would carry the child and they’d let the child sit on their laps as the mother carries her bags on or try to look for a seat, and the child just sits on the stranger’s lap quietly like it happens all the time! okay, maybe it does happen all the time but its such a sight.. talk about being helpful and loving your neighbours as yourself.. its so evident here.. this actually also happens on buses.. the kids sits on someone else’s lap especially when a mother with two or more kids comes on..

for me especially, they’d squeeze themselves to make space for me so that, as one lady put it today, i wont ‘roll out’ of the song tiao.. it was quite hilarious and moving as this lady had a 2 year old child on her lap and she was still worried that i’d be sitting in the sun and not have enough space to be comfortable..
me on the other hand, like sitting with one leg hanging out the back or just standing out back as its somewhat like surfing, just on land lol! so off you go listening to the chatter and the laughter and the songtiao would stop for people to get off and everyone would help everyone unload their fish in plastic bags or big basins and if the fishes flops around everyone would laugh.. *happy sigh* what happiness
if you’re worried you’ll be forgotten, fear not.. they wont forget you even if they’ve got 10 stops prior to yours all at odd locations.. they’ve got your back lol!

though, as fun as these experiences are, there’s also a downside.. you’ll arrive at your destination covered in dust from head to toe to hair.. lol.. your lungs would probably be layered with dust as well and you’ll also be knackered..

but, i guarantee a smile on your face because this is humility and love in its purest form

i cant seem to wrap my head around..

how is it that something that happened less than a year ago seems like a lifetime away?

so many things have happened, so many chapters opened and closed
even an event from 2 weeks ago seems like 5 chapters past
is it that i forget? is it because i choose to live in the now? is it because my simple brain cannot multitask on so many different levels?

unbelievable..
just unbelievable..